GILBERT   We don’t want your room. Why does saying we’ve got a pig in the house mean we want your room?

JOYCE   (crisply) Leave this to me, please, Gilbert. This is my mother. It’s not like Mrs Beevers, love. Mrs Beevers imagined things. That’s why Dr Swaby sent her away. You don’t imagine things. It’s just that we’ve got a pig in the house.

GILBERT   It’s so’s if you catch a glimpse of it you won’t think you’re going bananas. (muttering to Joyce) Though she is going bananas.

JOYCE   (hissing) She wouldn’t think she was going bananas, love, if you pulled your socks up and cut its throat.

MOTHER   What’s this bananas? I could eat a banana.

GILBERT   There are no bananas. There is a pig. There are no bananas.

JOYCE   Gilbert! Love, forget the bananas. There aren’t any bananas, but there is a pig.

GILBERT   Only tell her, if anybody comes round there isn’t a pig.

JOYCE   Yes, that’s right, love. If anybody should call, there isn’t a pig. With us, a pig. Anybody else, no pig.

MOTHER   Who’s going to come? Is it Dr Swaby? He came to Mrs Beevers.

JOYCE   Nobody’s going to come, Dr Swaby, nobody. But if anybody does come, no pig.

MOTHER   He told her she was going to Bridlington. She ended up in Low Moor. It was her house.

JOYCE   Nobody is going to put you in Low Moor, Dr Swaby or anybody. We love you, Mother. We wouldn’t put you away. It’s just we’re in the slightly unusual situation where there is a pig in the house.

GILBERT   Show her it.

JOYCE   I won’t show her it. She’s seventy-four, and it’s past her bedtime. Go to bed, love. With luck – (looks meaningfully at Gilbert) – in the morning all this will seem like a bad dream.
Mother goes slowly upstairs, accompanied by Joyce.
Gilbert peers in through the sitting-room door. He grimaces. Below, the pig thrusts its snout out. It shoulders aside Gilbert and the door and comes out, heading for the stairs. Gilbert heads it off, shepherds it into the surgery and shuts it in.

INT. CHILVERS’ LANDING. NIGHT.

Gilbert, ready for bed in his dressing gown, tries the bedroom door. It’s locked.

GILBERT   Joyce. Joyce.

JOYCE   (out of vision) Have you done it?
Gilbert goes downstairs.

INT. GILBERT’S SURGERY. NIGHT.

Gilbert sits in his dressing gown with the smiling pig.

INT. HOTEL FUNCTION ROOM. AFTERNOON.

ALLARDYCE   Betty. Betty. Betty.

LOCKWOOD   We’re going to look that silly.

DR SWABY   Silly? We’re finished.

LOCKWOOD   We’ve put a lot of money into that pig, Howard.

INSPECTOR NOBLE   It’s my understanding it doesn’t exist.

DR SWABY   You’ll wish it existed on Thursday, when you’re sitting down to a scrutty bit of lettuce and tomato.