Back A Private Function
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover
  2. Landing Page
  3. A Private Function
  4. CONTENTS
  5. INTRODUCTION
  6. The Old Crowd
  7. CAST
  8. A Private Function
  9. PREFACE
  10. CAST AND CREDITS
  11. Prick Up Your Ears
  12. PREFACE
  13. CAST AND CREDITS
  14. 102 Boulevard Haussmann
  15. CAST AND CREDITS
  16. The Madness of King George
  17. PREFACE
  18. CAST AND CREDITS
  19. About the Author
  20. Also by the Author
  21. Copyright

Gilbert is getting ready to go out. Joyce is holding some newspapers. Mother can be seen asleep in the sitting room.

GILBERT   (indicating Mother) You’d better get her out of the way.
Joyce goes to her and shakes her.

JOYCE   Wake up, Mother. It’s time you were in bed.
Gilbert is putting together a parcel of tasty scraps. Coming in, Mother tries to pinch one. It is Joyce who stops her.
No, Mother. Naughty.
She slaps her hand. Mother frowns.
Goodbye. Good luck.
She kisses Gilbert passionately. He isn’t so keen on the kissing as she is and is groping behind him for his torch.

MOTHER   When did you start all this kissing?
Gilbert takes the torch and goes out the back door. Joyce runs to the door.

JOYCE   (whispered) Gilbert.

GILBERT   (out of vision) What?

JOYCE   I hope it’s a clean one.
She then takes the newspapers and considers where to put them. She wanders out of the kitchen. We follow her into the hall and into Gilbert’s newly decorated ‘surgery’. Having considered it for a moment she starts to put the newspapers down on the floor.

MOTHER   (in doorway) Is the sweep coming?

INT. SUTCLIFFS’ SITTING ROOM. NIGHT.

They are sitting round, very torpid, listening expressionlessly to the radio. A comedy programme. Gales of laughter from the radio. None from the Sutcliffs. Sutcliff gets up and winds the clock.

SUTCLIFF   Did you ought to go see how that pig is going on, Preston?
Preston doesn’t make an immediate move.

MRS SUTCLIFF   I miss the war.
Pause.

SUTCLIFF   Come on, Preston. You reckon to be i/c pig.
Preston slowly begins to get himself together.

INT./EXT. ‘STY’/WOODS. NIGHT.

Gilbert comes up the steps and through the back door, into the old van.

GILBERT   Hello, sunshine. Hello, pig. Pooh, you stink, pig.
He is shining the light of the torch on the pig. He pulls up the front of the stall. The pig watches this and snuffles.
We’re going to go for a little walk.
Sensing the scraps in the parcel, the pig comes forward out of the stall, grunting.
Shsh. Here, here.
Gilbert stumbles down out of the back of the van, throwing down scraps for the pig, who gobbles them up. Gracefully the pig comes down the steps. Out of her sty, the pig sniffs the air and looks as if she is going to wander. To Gilbert’s relief the pig finds another scrap and snuffles it up. She begins to thread her way through the trees after Gilbert’s trail of scraps.

INT. SUTCLIFFS’ KITCHEN. NIGHT.

Preston comes through from the sitting room. He becomes furtive and shuts the door behind him. He gets out Nuttall’s killing tackle. Taking the pig-sticker, he puts his boots on and then, collecting a torch, goes out, leaving the door open.

EXT. NARROW BANKED ROAD. NIGHT.