JOYCE   (calling) Da capo, Veronica. And a little more mezzo forte. As Joyce closes the door lest they be overheard, Gilbert starts telling Joyce what he has seen in the woods by Sutcliffs’ farm.

INT. GILBERT’S AND JOYCE’S BEDROOM. NIGHT.

Gilbert lies in bed, watching Joyce at her dressing table.

GILBERT   It’s all a bit clandestine for me, Joyce.

JOYCE   Whose pig is it?

GILBERT   I don’t know. It’ll belong to them at the farm.
Joyce goes into the bathroom, where we see her preparing her contraceptive device, an antiquated douche with a rubber tube. Gilbert is unable to see these preparations.

(to himself) I wish I hadn’t mentioned it. (shouting to Joyce) It’s illegal.

JOYCE   (shouting from bathroom) It wouldn’t be illegal. Why is it illegal? A black-market pig’s illegal.

GILBERT   I wish I’d never mentioned it. Anyway, we’ve no means of transport.

JOYCE   We’ve got the car.

GILBERT   It’s on blocks.

JOYCE   Get it off the blocks.

GILBERT   And put a pig in it? ‘No crumbs in the car, Gilbert.’ ‘No cake on the seat.’ A pig in the car!

JOYCE   I could put a paper down. This is an emergency.

GILBERT   Let’s sleep on it.
Joyce brings the douche into the bedroom.

GILBERT   (alarmed) What’s put this into your head all of a sudden? Tomorrow’s a working day.

INT. ‘STY’, DAY.

The pig is lying in its stall, not very well. Dr Swaby, Lockwood and Allardyce are looking at her anxiously. The pig farts.

EXT. SUTCLIFFS’ FARMYARD. DAY.

Sutcliff, Preston and Nuttall are coming out of the farmhouse and making for the sty.

NUTTALL   (to Preston) Do you know how to do it?

PRESTON   I’ve done it before.

SUTCLIFF   And a right mess you made of it.

PRESTON   I want to be there.

SUTCLIFF   You can watch. Only it’s not going to be stuck today. We’ll have to wait till it’s better. Them rats wouldn’t have upset it, would they, Preston?

PRESTON   No. It’s had rats before.

SUTCLIFF   It’s what I say. Rhubarb leaves always mean the squits. You should know that, Preston.

INT./EXT. ‘STY’/WOODS. DAY.

Sutcliff, Preston and Nuttall crowd into the back of the old van, with Allardyce, Dr Swaby and Lockwood.

SUTCLIFF   Rhubarb leaves.

PRESTON   I knew it wasn’t the rats.

ALLARDYCE   Rats! You’ve never been giving her rats?

SUTCLIFF   No. Scraps.

ALLARDYCE   Could you not give her something, Charles? You’re the doctor.

DR SWABY   Thank you. This is a pig not a person. You want a vet.

ALLARDYCE   The principle must be the same.

DR SWABY   How would you know?

LOCKWOOD   Take a bit of weight off her. Diarrhoea always does.

DR SWABY   Oh, are you a doctor now?