I sit outside a Turkish deli for a moment, feeling dizzy, my breathing fast, an intense pain in my stomach like the organ has tied itself into a knot. The seat is wet, but I don’t really mind. A guy nudges his friend as they walk past. “Hey,” he says to me. “You all right?” He’s holding a can of beer and smirking. I don’t say anything back. I can’t. I nod. The guy looks at his friend and I see them exchange a look, though I can’t tell what it means. “Do you need help getting home?” the guy asks. I suppose I probably look drunk. I run my finger through the water on the table. I shake my head, and then the men leave, the one who did the talking muttering under his breath, “Okay, whatever.” When they’re a few steps away, I start to follow them, their hearts ahead of me, beating like tiny drums. But, then, I turn around and go in a different direction, following another instinct.

I cross back over the river and turn down a dark side road. The darkness is comforting. It feels like something I am wearing rather than something that is in the atmosphere, unconnected to me. It hangs down over my shoulders like a cape and makes me feel peaceful in a way I can’t feel in light. I walk for a while, taking a few turnings until the sound of people dims, not really aware of where I’m going at all. At first, I think I might be heading for Camberwell, toward Anju’s, but it soon becomes clear I’m not. Something keeps me moving forward, nonetheless, down streets I don’t recognize. The rain stops. All I’m left with is the sound of my footsteps.

Eventually, the number of buildings starts to decrease. I realize I’m walking on a road with warehouses on either side; it’s familiar. It’s exceptionally quiet. I keep walking. I can hear water trickling. I can hear my breathing. And, then, I stop—and I’m standing in front of the Otter. Inside, the building’s lights are being turned off, one by one. Then a figure appears in the frame of the front door. At first, I think it’s Heather, but the shape is all wrong. It’s Gideon. Unaware that I’m behind him, he starts to lock up. He fumbles with the locks for a while. He’s using his phone light to see where he’s putting his keys. I stand still for a moment, in a shadow, and just observe him.