I push that thought away, but another, equally depressing thought replaces it—I have to tell the Order about Anora soon. Which means all the fantasies I had about spending every night after patrol talking to her by the lake are just that.

I turn the television off.

“Shy.” Mom’s voice is low. “Where were you?”

“What do you mean?”

She levels her gaze with mine. “When I came home last night, you weren’t in your room. You weren’t in this house.”

“I was with Natalie and Jacobi,” I say. It mostly isn’t a lie.

She watches me for a long moment, long enough that I know I’m not fooling her.

“Elite Cain excused you from patrol, Shy,” she says. I’m just relieved she assumes I was on patrol. “Have you stopped to consider he might have a very good reason?”

They certainly feel they have a good reason. “They never thought I was ready to be a tracker.”

“Or maybe they’re worried about your well-being, like I am.”

I don’t mean to laugh, but I can’t help it, and Mom pales. “I really doubt that, Mom. The only thing Elite Cain or Dad will manage to say if I’m killed on patrol is that I should have trained harder.”

“That is ridiculous, Shy.” Her voice shakes, and I realize I shouldn’t talk about my death in front of her. One of our own just died. This is as real for her as it is for me. “This is hard enough!”

“Don’t you think I know that?” I snap. Mom flinches, and then her eyes harden. My only motivation for getting out of bed each day is finding Lily’s killer and now Anora’s coin, and it pisses me off to think the Order would imply she might have been suicidal. It pisses me off that half the school thinks it, that they will always communicate it that way—Remember that girl? The one who killed herself on campus? It was because of Roundtable.

Fuck Roundtable and fuck the Order.

I stare at my mom. Fighting her will do no good, and after a moment, I hang my head in my hands and scrub my face.

“I’m sorry.”

She exhales and wraps her arms around me. I don’t hug her back. When she pulls away, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and find two messages:

The first one was just sent: I’m coming back. Meet me at June’s tonight.

It’s Roth.

I should text back, notifying him of Elite Cain’s decision to excuse me from my duties. I assume that also includes my obligation as Roth’s errand boy.