I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to wake you, he says. I’m tired as a ghost. I never sleep well at my parents’.

Do you want to come in? I could set an alarm if you want some sleep.

James shakes his head and takes a drag of his cigarette. No, I’m on my way to the apartment, but I wanted to see you. Well, you and Becky, but I can hardly trek out to Queens at this time of night.

She’s going to be so glad to see you, I say, already excited for the three of us to catch up.

He stares at the lit end of his cigarette and says, It’s going to be a while before that happens, I’m afraid. My parents have decided to send me abroad. Apparently, my father was less than amused when he found out I wasn’t actually registered in school. My flight is tomorrow.

Something inside me goes cold. Wait. I croak out. What? You aren’t going to go, are you?

James shrugs and looks away.

I’m too tired to fight, he says, and I can hear the truth of his words in his voice. Besides, my father is going to be hanging around for a while, and I’d prefer not to be there as well.

James, you can’t leave, I say. Please don’t go.

This at least brings a smile to his face. He stares at me, all blue eyes and straight lines and something inside me feels as though it’s breaking.

He turns away, eyes landing on the street below. You know, he says, we never really talked about what happened that night after we went to the club.

James, we don’t need to…

I just wanted to say that Becky isn’t totally off base. There have been times when I’ve wondered if you and I should…you know… But your friendship means too much to me to risk. Is that odd?

I rub my eyes, feeling like the world has shifted on its axis.

James sighs and leans his head back onto the rail of the stairs, his eyes toward the moon. Don’t worry, I’m not hitting on you, he says. It’s a moot point, anyhow. I can’t imagine being with anyone now or… Oh, Michael, I’m just feeling so lonely and old and maudlin.

“Maudlin” is such a James word that it almost makes me laugh. Anyone else would sound a hundred years old if they wanted to use it.

I look at him, weighing my choices. The strangest thing is that I do understand what he’s saying about not risking our friendship. And even though things ended so badly, I’ve come to realize that the way I feel about James and the way I felt…feel…about Gabriel, or even River, are very, very different.

I get it, I say, leaning my shoulder into his. But I wish there was something I could do.

James smiles slightly and then the reality of what he said about leaving slaps me in the face.