Danny And that’s it, innit? That’s the whole point? As long as you think that, why would you risk it?
Ted If in doubt, head for the classic.
Danny Changing things, I mean. Making things better.
Ted Full English.26
Danny (still looking through the paper) I mean, this can’t be what it’s all been for … This ...
Ted That’s it, mate. That’s the one. Stick to what you know, eh? Don’t break it if it ain’t fixed. Full English, no beans, extra hash brown. Bosh. You ready to order yet or what?
Danny I could go meet her, couldn’t I? At the airport. Just sit and have a coffee with her or something? I don’t have to get on the plane. Just go be there. Show her. That’s showing her, ain’t it?
Ted What you having?
Danny I’ll have what you’re having.
Ted Nope. No, you don’t. I ain’t having you throwing a strop coz I didn’t get you no bubble and squeak.27
Danny I just can’t seem to get it right with her.
Ted You’re more fussy than you think, you know.
Danny No, I’m not.
Ted Tomatoes?
Danny Fuckin’ hate tomatoes.
Ted See?
Danny Everything I do, I always end up the cunt.
Ted White or brown?
Danny What?
Ted Bread.
Danny I feel horrible.
Ted (phone ringing) Sorry, mate. It’s Sal. I gotta, hold on … (In a coupley, sickly sweet voice we haven’t heard from him until now.) Hello darlin’. You alright? Oh, lovely. Great. Yeah.
Yeah I’m fine thanks, babe. Just in the caff28 now, yeah, it was
nice yeah, we went for a couple of pints, then watched a film, nothing special … Just me and Dan … What, now? IKEA?29 Well, I was gonna just have a bit of brekkie, and then just go back to Dan’s for a … yeah? Yeah, I know I seen him all night, but you know. It’s been a while since … Oh yep, no, I know, the curtains. I know. Course. I’m sorry … yep. No, OK. Well, I’ll walk up now then … yep, OK, on the corner. No, I won’t be. Alright then, babe. Yep, love you too. Yep. Alright. Bye, darling. Bye …
Sorry, mate, I gotta go. Sorry. It’s ’er, you know. Duty calls.
Danny Yeah, yeah. All good.
Ted You’ll be alright, wont ya?
Danny Fine mate, don’t be silly.
Ted You gonna, you be about later? Maybe see you in the pub?
Danny Yeah, give us a shout.
Ted Alright, mate. I had a great night, Dan. We should do it more often, feels like it’s been ages. You know what I mean?
Danny Yeah, too long.
Ted I meant it, earlier.
Danny What?
Ted You’re my best mate, Dan.
Danny Ain’t so bad yourself, mate.
Ted Look, I’m gonna go follow my girlfriend round IKEA for the next four fuckin’ hours, I feel like I just swallowed a planetarium or something. I’m fuckin’ munted, and I’m gonna go and hold Sally’s hand and look at curtains and toothbrush holders and lampshades and it’s gonna be fuckin’ tragic. But I’m gonna do it. Coz that’s what she needs me to do. Know what I mean?