‘Sorry, but I have a headache.’

My mother’s face crumples, but then she straightens her shoulders and forces a smile. ‘You’ve come a long way. You must be tired.’

Tom jumps to his feet. ‘Don’t worry. I’ll make sure Ivy is OK.’

He takes two lamps from the dresser and I follow him along the passageway and start to climb the stairs, when my mother comes up behind me. She clutches my arm and whispers, ‘The house is protected so you should be safe as long as you stay inside. But in case.’

I look at the knife in her hand, but don’t take it.

‘Please, Ivy. I couldn’t bear it if …’ She lets out a breath, her eyes shining with tears. ‘I didn’t say anything before, but I did look for you once. I took a boat to the mainland, but the authorities wouldn’t tell me anything. I even went back to the same motorway service station. I sat there for hours, unable to stop crying, and a lady came over to me. I told her how I’d given you up, and she suggested I visit the nearby children’s home. I walked around outside, hoping I might recognise you, and then I saw a girl wearing a butterfly locket.’

‘You saw me?’

She nods. ‘You would have been thirteen. You were with another girl, both of you wearing tiny plaits in your hair. I started to approach you, but then I sensed the shadows stirring inside me. It broke my heart, being so close to you and not being able to say hello.’

I fight back a tear, wishing we could have spent just a few minutes together. The girl she saw me with must have been Katie – we used to spend hours together, chatting and doing each other’s hair. Katie was taken into care when she was ten as her mother had a drink problem. Growing up wasn’t easy for her, but I was envious that she at least knew her mum. She had a face and a name to hold on to. She wasn’t completely adrift in the world.

The fact that my mum tried to find me makes me feel a little better, but thinking of myself in the care home brings a fresh stab of pain. It would have meant the world to me to know she cared.

‘Why didn’t you tell me this before?’

‘I don’t know. I suppose I feel guilty that I didn’t stay and talk to you. I was afraid the shadows would make me hurt you. If I’d been stronger, then maybe …’

I touch her hand, not wanting her to torment herself, and she holds out the knife. ‘Please, Ivy. I want you to be safe. It’s all that matters.’

I take it from her and she kisses me on the head. ‘We’ll talk more in the morning.’

Unsure what to say, I hug her then turn and run up the stairs.

Tom holds open the bedroom door for me and I go inside and throw the knife on top of the dresser.