“But does she love you?” Ian asked, trying to sow seeds of doubt.

As he thought back to a conversation they’d had that morning, Ian admitted to himself that Phil buttressed his sagging ego. Make me a stud, Phil had asked when he came out of St. Vincent’s. And in daily chats and quizzes Ian had been trying to teach him what most men had learned in a lifetime—not really expecting him to learn. He taught him out of arrogance. Even with his help, he thought, Phil could never be as good as him.

After a slow start, Phil learned a lot about sex, got the hang of it—at least in theory—as evidenced by his good scores on Ian’s pop quizzes, which came without warning or regard for place. On the train. In the tub. At breakfast. During trumpet practice.

“If you don’t want to come too fast, what you must do?” Ian asked one day as he and Phil waited on a supermarket checkout line.

“Is that before or during?” Phil replied.

“Don’t answer me back a question wid a question. Before.”

“Easy. Jerk off at least twice, at most an hour before you go. It’ll take you longer to come the third time.”

“Good. What about during?”

“When you feel it coming, look away, don’t engage in explicitly sexual talk, and think of yourself pushing your dick in the blades of a fan.”

“What if de poompoom big?”

“Deep or wide?”

“Don’t answer me back a question wid a question. Deep.”

“Well … if you’ve got her in missionary, put her legs over your shoulders, grip her by the ass, and raise yourself to a kneeling position. This combination shortens her vagina and allows an extra inch and a half of your dick to get in compared to the basic missionary.”

“What if dat don’t work?”

“Take her from the back.”

“Just from de back? You know how much ways you can fuck a woman from de back, bwai? Specify.”

“Oh. Let her kneel with her head down flat, like a Muslim at prayer … then kneel behind her on one knee with the other foot flat and that knee bent … y’know, basically crouching on one knee. Hold her by the waist and work it. It shortens her vagina more than leg-over-shoulder, plus you still get the extra inch and a half.”

“What if it’s wide?”

“Legs crossed to constrict vagina. Good positions are standing face-to-face, lying face-to-face woman on top.”

“Now, quickly. Five rules to live by de first time you fuckin a woman?”

“Always have an extra pack of condoms. Always with the lights on so you can see what you’re getting into. Always before dinner, never after—cause it’s never worth it on a full stomach. Always do it her way today to improve your chances of getting to do it your way tomorrow. Always do it twice in case tomorrow never comes.”

Margaret’s voice pulled him out of the reverie. “I think you should go and see your mother.”