Mary Alice and Angie were in front of the television when I got to my parents' house. My father was sleeping in his chair. My sister was upstairs, throwing up. And my mom and grandmother were in the kitchen.

"I didn't misplace them," Grandma said to my mother. "Someone took them."

"Who would take them?" my mother asked. "That's ridiculous."

I knew I was going to regret asking, but I couldn't help myself. "What's missing?"

"My teeth," Grandma said. "Someone took my teeth. I had them setting out in a glass with one of them whitening tablets and next thing they were gone."

"How was your day?" my mother asked me.

"Average. Got attacked for the second time by a horde of angry elves, but aside from that it was okay."

"That's nice," my mother said. "Could you stir the gravy?"

Valerie came in and clapped a hand over her mouth at the sight of the pot roast, sitting on a platter.

"What's new?" I asked Valerie.

"I've decided I'm going to have the baby. And I'm not getting married right away."

My mother made the sign of the cross, and her eyes wistfully drifted to the cupboard where she kept her Four Roses. The moment passed, and she took the pot roast into the dining room. "Let's eat," she said.

"How am I supposed to eat pot roast without teeth?" Grandma said. "If those teeth aren't returned by tomorrow morning, I'm calling the cops. I got a date for Christmas Eve. I invited my new boyfriend over for dinner."

We all froze. The studmuffin was coming to Christmas Eve dinner.

"Christ," my father said.

After dinner my mother gave me a bag filled with food. "I know you don't have time to cook," she said. It was part of the ritual. And someday, if I was lucky, I'd carry the tradition to a new generation. Except the bag to my daughter would probably be filled with takeout.

My father was outside, attaching the tree to my CRV. He was tying it to the roof rack, and every time he tightened the rope there was a shower of pine needles. "It might be a little dry," he said. "You should probably put it in water when you get home."

Halfway home I saw the lights behind me. Low-slung sporty car lights. I checked the rearview mirror. Hard to see at night, but I was pretty sure it was a black Jag. I parked in the lot, and Diesel parked beside me. We both got out and looked at the tree. There was no moonlight, thank God.

"Can't hardly see it in the dark," Diesel said.

"It's better that way."

"How'd the stake-out go?"

"Like you said — quiet."

Diesel smiled when I told him the stake-out was quiet.

"I guess you know about the stake-out," I said with a sigh.

"Yup."

"How?"

"I know everything."

"Do not,"

"Do so."

"Do not!"