After the trial in December, when the boys were found guilty of murdering Metro, Jesse returned to the apartment on West 4th Street. He fixed it up differently and he was living there alone, but he was dating Rodney, who hurt his ankle and wasn’t cast in the show. Too bad for him. Truth is, I didn’t care if Rodney got back into the company or not. I was dancing solo. Jesse got my message and left me alone. I didn’t even miss him staying with me. We saw each other enough during rehearsals. Sometimes we danced together just to practice.

Jesse was luckier than I thought. He was asked to create a piece for a workshop presentation at City Center in May. He wouldn’t talk about the piece except to say it was a dance for males. I figured as much. Something about brothers, maybe, or fathers and sons. Lovers, perhaps. He promised to show me some of the steps before the company director saw the whole thing. Up to now Jesse had been silent. A little too cautious, if you ask me. They were at least giving him a chance. That was more than most dancers got.

I wrote Phillip to tell him Jesse and I broke up. He was sad for me at first, but he said he understood how a man like Jesse wouldn’t stay with a woman long. I understood, too. That’s why I wrote him about it. But I also wanted Phillip to know a man could be loved for his tenderness, not ridiculed or called a faggot. And Jesse was tender, most of the time. Phillip had a tenderness too, until it got too hard for him to show it and he had to cover it over with drugs. At least he could say he was high. Just high. Never lonely or afraid or just wanting to be loved. I wanted Phillip to know I could recognize that need in a man and not make fun or try to dominate him. Anyone. I saw the same feelings in myself. I knew it couldn’t be weakness. “It couldn’t last long, Lady. Not with a man like Jesse,” he wrote. But what about you, Phillip? I wanted to ask. What about you? He said we could talk about it when he got out. He thought he’d be released in time to see me dance. And Jesse, too, if he came to both programs.