I don’t know what to say to him. There is nothing I can say. Other people’s grief is too strange, too big, too wild for me to handle. Part of me wishes Kiki was here. If this were happening to another family, she would know what to say, what to do. But it isn’t happening to another family. It’s happened to us. To her. She hasn’t left her room since that night. No one’s tried to force her to do so either. Maybe it would be better if they did.

She won’t eat. She barely sleeps. When she does, it’s fitful. She tosses and turns.

And through it all, she does not cry. I don’t think she’s holding it in either. I know what Kiki looks like when she’s trying not to cry. Her lower lip gets creased from how hard she’s digging her teeth into it. A tiny wrinkle forms between her brows as she furrows them. Her cheeks hollow with the effort of clenching her jaw tightly enough to keep everything inside.

But this … this is different.

This is silent. Still. There is no turmoil lurking beneath the surface of calm waters. There is simply … nothing. And that nothing is the most terrifying thing of all.

I can’t do it. I can’t sit by and watch her waste away. The resolve hardens in me as I alight from the carriage. Don Carlos looks so small as he makes his slow, painful way up the villa’s steps. The building seems to swallow him whole, just as it has consumed all of its inhabitants in their sorrow.

I will not let it consume me.

And I will not let Alejandro be violated a second time.

He was not a suicide. And I will prove it if it’s the last goddamn thing I do.

I have to bide my time until the sun falls. I don’t want anyone to know where I’m going or why. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to find anything. The only thing I do know is that I have to do something.

When I make my way out of the villa, I hardly have to sneak. Everyone is too wrapped up in their own mourning to take much notice of me. The horses, at least, are glad to see me. They’ve never gone this long without exercise. I pat Rocinante’s pale flank as I walk past his stall.

“She’ll come see you soon. I promise.”

He neighs, tossing his head back like he knows I’m spouting bullshit. I always have believed that horses are smarter than people.

Tornado knocks his head into my side as I saddle him up, pawing at the ground like the restless beast he is. “Calm down. We’ll be on the road before you know it.”