“You are strong, Myla. You don’t need to pretend.”

I shake my head even though she can’t see me. “No, I’m not strong.” My hands tremble as I think about having to be in the same room as my mom. “I wish I was. I wish I could show up unattached and act like whatever she’s going to say to me won’t hurt, but I’m too raw. With just the right insult, just the right shitty comment, I know I won’t survive it.”

It’s been a week since the funeral and since I broke up with Ryot. And it’s been the hardest week of my life. Dealing with losing my father, being shaken to my core about his second life, reeling from the backhand of my mother, and shutting out Ryot, I’m at a breaking point.

“You’re stronger than you think you are,” Nichole says.

“Nichole,” I say softly as tears spring to my eyes. “I am so scared, so terrified to be in the same room as her, that I have thrown up twice now. I want to believe in my heart that I can do this, but I know, deep down in my soul, that I can’t. I think I need to text him.”

“You’re going to confuse him. Plus, I thought you were moving on. I didn’t think you wanted to be attached to him. Not to mention, I don’t want to see him hurt you again.”

“I don’t know if he hurt me, or if I hurt myself,” I say, the confession slipping off my tongue since I’ve been thinking about it the past couple of days.

“He wasn’t there for you.”

“He was,” I answer as tears stream down my face. “Just in a different way, and I think that’s something I need to come to terms with.”

“He’s going to hurt you.”

“No, Nichole. You’re the one who’s hurting me right now. I’m telling you that I need him for support. I need him to pretend to be with me to make it through a few hours with my mother, and you shouldn’t be making me feel bad about that.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m just trying to put things in perspective for you. You’re hurt right now and—”

“Nichole, this isn’t up for debate. I’m meeting my mom in an hour. I don’t even know if he’s free. I can’t physically get off the couch right now because I’m shaking like a leaf. If you were here, I would take you, but you aren’t. That leaves him.”

She’s silent for a second and then finally, “Okay, if you think you need him, I don’t want you to do this alone. But just be careful, okay?”

“I will.” I say my goodbyes and then stare down at my phone.

I hover over Ryot’s name and debate if I should do this or not. I know that if I don’t show up, my mom will believe she’s won. And I don’t want that. If I show up alone, she’s going to think the same thing, that she won, that I’m such a disappointment in life, that I can’t even keep a boyfriend.