I looked at my mom. Her eyes were on me, waiting for what I had to say next. Whenever I’d tried to discuss the night with her, she’d tuned me out. I guess now she was finally ready to hear it.

“The night Jeronee died, I was driving. He wanted to drive, but I insisted. I was a hotheaded teenager who didn’t listen. That truck… it came outta nowhere. It hit his side and flipped us in the air.”

I looked down at my hands, remembering holding his lifeless body.

“I survived. He died instantly. And every win, every fucking touchdown I throw, every endorsement deal, every damn dollar I’ve made since then… all feels like I stole it from him… like I stole his life, his joy, and his happiness.”

My mom’s hand flew to her mouth, and loud sobs escaped her lips.

“You never told me you felt guilty,” she whispered. “You never said that you held him as he died.”

She sobbed.

“I couldn’t. You never wanted to talk about Jeronee. Sometimes I felt like you blamed me.”

“I never blamed you. Never!”

Dr. Baites nodded, writing something down in her notepad before speaking.

“Tell me, Kellon. Is there anything in your life you feel you earned and didn’t take from your brother?”

“My girl and my son. She’s pregnant. They are the only things I’ve had in a long time that I feel I deserve. The only things that I feel like aren’t his because God designed them specially for me. They’re mine.”

“Your feelings are a very human response to grief, Kellon. You were a teenager. It was an accident that you didn’t cause. Blaming yourself won’t bring your brother back, but it will keep you from fully living.”

I nodded slowly. “I know, but it’s hard to stop. It’s like if I’m happy, I feel like I’m betraying him, rubbing my life in his face.”

She glanced at my mom gently. “Ms. Barnes, how does hearing Kellon say these things make you feel?”

My mom’s sobs were now just quiet whimpers with tears draining from her eyes.

“I never knew he felt that way. I lost a son... but I didn’t realize I was also losing the one who lived with guilt. I thought you were so strong. I never knew you were hurting behind that mug.”

“Grief doesn’t mean you stop living and being happy. It doesn’t mean you’ve stolen from the dead. It’s okay to celebrate this life and your accomplishments. You’re here for a reason, Kellon.” I’m here for a reason. I sat with that for as long as I could before Dr. Baites spoke again. “You ever think that girlfriend and baby are the reason you were chosen to stay?” That was more to sit with. “Is she good to you?”