Five yellow claws wrapped around Tub’s considerable gut and lifted him into the back of the van. There was a bruise on Tub’s jaw from where Steve had thrown him against the locker, but it was nothing—he looked more certain of himself than at any other point in his life. He grinned at me, showing all those glorious braces.

“You watch my back, I watch yours,” he said. “It’s only fair.”

He offered up a hand and I took it.

“My ninja,” I said.

“My trollhunter,” he replied.

I don’t think Jack was thrilled about having another kid to look out for. But he clenched his teeth and popped the van into gear. The bottom scraped against the driveway with the additional weight. Blinky shut the side door with a tentacle while another appendage curled around Tub’s neck affectionately. I felt a sob catch in my chest. We might all be headed to our deaths, but this right here was a family, no matter how unusual it might be.

Off we roared, peeling away strips of lawn and knocking bumpers from cars that, according to Jack, should’ve been parked closer to the curb. Tub shook off the blows and unfolded from his fanny pack a laminated artifact of Dershowitz lore.

“The cat list!” I cried. “You found it.”

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t hard to find once all my video games had been eaten. But I’m happy to report that the killing spree is over. Notice there’s no cat hair stuck in those fancy new braces? I’ve converted our friend to cheeseburgers.”

“Pickle,” said ARRRGH!!!. “Onion.”

“Right, she likes them with pickles and onion.”

“Paper. Is flavor best.”

“Yeah, she likes the wrapping paper left on, too. FYI, you don’t want to know how much two hundred cheeseburgers cost. My god. Point is, she didn’t mean anything by eating all those cats and she’s done with it.”

“Cat no for eat. For chew.”

I translated and Tub’s face fell.

“No, no, no. We’ve been over this. You can’t chew them either, okay?”

ARRRGH!!! gnashed her metal-covered teeth, trying to make sense of it.

Tub sighed and snapped the laminated list.

“I thought a brief eulogy might be in order?”

He cleared his throat.

“For those brave felines who fell in the fight for freedom, I recite these names so that we will not forget that adorable, undeniable sense of curiosity that got them all eaten.”

“Make this quick,” Jack said. “We’re almost there.”

“And now for the naming of the deceased. Curly Fries. CSI. Midichlorian. Dow Jones.” Tub shrugged. “Grandma watches a lot of TV.” He continued. “The Wayans Brothers. Bridezilla. The Secretary of Agriculture. That’s So Raven. The Cat Formerly Known as Prince—”

“Parking now.” Jack grunted as if bracing for impact. “Parking—parking—hold on—”