I looked over at E. Harvest stood, took my hand, and led me through a low doorway I had not noticed before.

We walked along a dark, narrow passageway until we came to a kind of loft space with a view of the stage. Harvest sat down, and I sat beside him on the rough boards. We were hidden in the shadows. The lead singer of Milk was singing one of my favorite songs of theirs. From our perch we could see the audience. Joy was easy to find in the crowd. She was near the front, gleaming in her chain mail, dancing furiously while Troy and Dougie looked on in professional silence, their hands in their pockets. I felt Harvest’s hand on the back of my head. He lay back on his elbows. I understood what was required. I unzipped Harvest’s fly and fellated him, hunched over him, while he watched Joy dance. Somehow I managed to hold on to a scrap of happiness as this was happening, but afterward I could not. The rift between us was complete. Harvest was silent, a shadow. I got up and walked back down the passageway to the greenroom.

E was not on the couch.

I looked around the room, expecting her to be standing there as she sometimes did, just staring. I went into the bathroom. She wasn’t there. I looked up wildly at Harvest as he entered.

“I know this place really well,” he said. “We’ll find her.”

We went to the ticket office and asked if they had seen a Total. We went to the merchandise stall, where they were selling pictures of Joy, with her shaved blond head, wearing a pair of aviator glasses. No one had seen E. We went to the public restrooms and looked in every stall.

“Maybe she went into the audience,” Harvest said.

I walked up to the security guard, who was on his phone. “I’ve lost my sister,” I said. “She’s a Total—she’s eight years old. Can you help us look for her?”

We walked through the heavy house doors. The three of us spread out and started searching. Switching on the flashlight app on my phone, I shone it near the floor. The music was so loud, it made my breastbone vibrate. E would be terrified in here. I started on the outside perimeter and walked all the way around the audience. When I got to the front, Joy looked at me.

“I can’t find E,” I shouted. Immediately Joy and Troy and Dougie started looking as well. Tears and snot were running down my face by now. I had a feeling that my innards were descending in an elevator within me, just going straight down.