I did a grimace.

Ranger pulled me to him and kissed me on the forehead. “You two are going to get along just fine.” Ranger stepped back and turned to Butchy, who was sitting cuffed and shackled on the curb. He grabbed Butchy, dragged him to his feet, and handed him over to Steroidasaurus.

It was almost six when we left the police station. Butchy was chained to a bench across from the docket lieutenant. Steven Wegan was in the lock up. I had body receipts for both of them. Not a bad day in terms of income. Not a great day in terms of Tank’s leg. Definitely a weird day, having spent it in the company of Ranger’s Merry Men.

Halfway through town my cell phone rang. “Your sister’s in labor,” Grandma said. “She was working her way through a Virginia baked ham when she started getting contractions.”

“Is she going to the hospital?”

“She’s trying to decide if it’s time. Do you think I should call Albert?”

“Definitely call Albert. It’s his baby, too. He’s been going to the birthing classes with Valerie.”

“It’s just that she’s not in a good mood. You know how it is when she gets disturbed in the middle of a ham.”

TWELVE

VALERIE WAS SITTING on the couch in the living room when I arrived. She was doing her breathing exercises and rubbing her stomach. My mother and grandmother were standing beside her, watching. The two girls were on the floor, staring bug-eyed at Valerie. My father was in his chair in front of the television, channel surfing.

“So,” I said. “What’s up?”

The front door crashed open behind me and Albert stumbled in. “Am I too late? Did I miss anything? What’s going on?”

“Mommy’s having a baby,” Angie said.

Mary Alice nodded her head in agreement.

Albert looked terrible. His shirt was untucked and his eyes were glassy. His face was chalk white with red spots high on his cheeks.

“You don’t look so good,” Grandma said to Albert. “How about a ham sandwich?”

“I’ve never had a baby before,” Albert said. “I’m a little flub-a-dubbed.”

“I’m having another contraction,” Valerie said. “Is anyone timing? Aren’t these coming awful close together?”

I didn’t know anything about having a baby, but I knew it worked better if you delivered it in the hospital. “Maybe we should go to St. Francis,” I said. “Do you have a suitcase ready?”

Valerie went into the breathing and rubbing mode again and my mom ran upstairs for the suitcase.

“So what do you think, Valerie,” I asked when she stopped rubbing and puffing. “You’ve done this before. Are you ready to go to the hospital?”

“I was ready weeks ago,” Valerie said. “Someone help me get up.”

Albert and I each took an arm and pulled Valerie up.

She looked down. “I can’t see my feet. Do I have shoes on?”

“Yep,” I said. “Sneakers.”

She felt around. “And I’ve got pants on, right?”

“Black stretchy shorts.” Stretched to within an inch of their lives.