Her father groans. “I’ll be honest, if I hear the word chartreuse one more time, I’m going to go mad. A man can only take so much.”

“Fight the good fight, Dad.”

The whole family has an easy familiarity. There’s a constant buzz throughout the house and dinner is controlled chaos. To Jenny’s near-constant horror and despite her best efforts, her children are barely civilized. John seems to revel in it. I’m used to a certain level of crazy. Between my absentee father, foster families and group homes, I’ve seen my fair share of ridiculousness, but the Allan clan takes the cake. They bring sibling rivalry up a notch.

Jared mocks Jake for not being able to figure out how to pee standing up until he was seven. In defense of her favorite brother, Jessie reminds Jared that he was shitting his pants longer than the rest of them. She even drags Jenny into the battle, confirming how long it took to potty train her oldest son.

Not to be left out, James—Jamie Wamie to his merciless siblings—chooses this moment to mention he was the fastest to get potty trained. Big mistake, kid. His three older siblings gang up on the baby of the family, listing off an unending string of things he took the longest to learn. These guys don’t forget a thing. And they don’t let each other forget a thing either.

It’d be nice to have someone to fight with the way they do. All their bickering is based on an interconnected history and laced with a deep love. Becs gives me shit and Austin is a brother in everything but blood. Still, the connection the Allen siblings have is something else. They share every memory. Every moment, good and bad, they’ve been there for one another.

It’s a hard reminder of how different Jessie and I are, how this is going to end. I should walk out of this dining room now and save us from the destruction that follows me around like a toxic cloud, but I can’t force myself to let go. I glance at Jessie beside me, the familiar wide smile on her lips and joy in her eyes. She’s never felt so far away. Desperate to touch her, I set my hand on her knee and squeeze, despite the pain of my heart cracking. Without looking, she interlaces our fingers and squeezes back.

I let my attention bounce from one family member to the next, like I’m watching a tennis match on speed.

“I’m the first one to give mom a grandbaby.” Jared holds Miguel up as his adorable, drooling trump card. “The only one of us that’s made one of these!”

“Oh, you made him, did you? All by yourself?” Mariana deadpans, her lips pursed and her brow furrowed.