This is a Chair
Cover
Title Page
Caryl Churchill
THIS IS A CHAIR
NICK HERN BOOKS
London
Characters
Characters
JULIAN
MARY
FATHER
MOTHER
MURIEL
TED
ANN
JOHN
DEIRDRE
POLLY
TOM
LEO
CHARLIE
ERIC
MADDY
The title of each scene must be clearly displayed or announced.
Original Production
This is a Chair was first performed by the Royal Court Theatre at the Duke of York’s Theatre, London, on 25 June 1997, with the following cast:
| JULIAN | Linus Roache |
| MARY | Amanda Plummer |
| FATHER | Marion Bailey |
| MURIEL | Harriet Spencer |
| TED | Euan Bremner |
| ANN | Diane Parish |
| JOHN | Lennie James |
| DEIRDRE | Liz Smith |
| POLLY | Helen McCarthy |
| TOM | Desmond Barrit |
| LEO | Timothy Spall |
| CHARLIE | Andy Serkis |
| MADDY | Cecilia Noble |
| ERIC | Ray Winstone |
| Director | Stephen Daldry |
| Designer | Ian MacNeil |
| Lighting Designer | Lizz Poulter |
This is a Chair
THIS IS A CHAIR
The War in Bosnia
JULIAN is waiting in a London street holding a bunch of flowers.
MARY arrives.
| MARY | I’m so sorry. |
| JULIAN | That’s all right, don’t worry. |
| MARY | Have you been here ages? |
| JULIAN | I got you these. |
| MARY | They’re beautiful. |
| JULIAN | I don’t know what you like. |
| MARY | Thank you very much. |
| JULIAN | I like orange and blue together, I don’t know if you do, I thought of roses but I think roses are a bit dull, I don’t like pink and red very much as colours, I don’t mind yellow but I thought these. |
| MARY | Listen, I’m afraid there’s a problem. |
| JULIAN | Yes. |
| MARY | I’ve made a stupid mistake. |
| JULIAN | Never mind. |
| MARY | No but I’ve made two different arrangements for the same evening, I’ve doublebooked myself, I don’t know how I can be so stupid. |
| JULIAN | So you have to make a phonecall or . . . ? |
| MARY | No, it’s really awful, what I have to do is jump in a cab and go whizzing off. Because I have to be there by half past seven. |
| JULIAN | Something starts at half past seven? |
| MARY | Yes and I couldn’t reach the other person and anyway the tickets and . . . |
| JULIAN | Don’t worry. |
| MARY | It is a concert I particularly . . . |
| JULIAN | Yes of course. We’d better look for a cab. |
| MARY | It was the arrangement I made first you see and somehow it slipped my mind and I thought we might have time for a drink anyway but then I was late finishing work and there was a hold-up on the tube it stopped in the tunnel for about five minutes people were starting to get nervous you could see from the way they kept on reading or just staring into space but deliberately because they were getting nervous and anyway can we make it another time I’m really sorry. |
| JULIAN | Don’t worry. |
| MARY | What about Tuesday? |
| JULIAN | I can’t do Tuesdays. |
| MARY | Or Thursday, no wait I can’t do Thursday, Friday oh shit, the week after, any night you like, not Wednesday. |
| JULIAN | Thursday then. |
| MARY | Thursday week then. |
| JULIAN | Same time same place? |
| MARY | Yes this is good for me. I won’t be late. |
| JULIAN | Don’t worry. There’s a cab. |
| MARY | I’m really sorry. |
| JULIAN | Byebye. |
Pornography and Censorship
| FATHER, MOTHER and MURIEL at dinner. | |
| FATHER | Is Muriel going to eat her dinner? |
| MOTHER | Yes, eat up, Muriel. |
| FATHER | Have a special bite of daddy’s. |
| MOTHER | Yes, eat up, Muriel. |
| FATHER | Muriel, if you don’t eat your dinner you know what’s going to happen to you. |
| MOTHER | Yes, eat up, Muriel. |
The Labour Party’s Slide to the Right
| TED and ANN in Ann and her boyfriend’s third-floor flat. | |
| TED | I don’t believe it. |
| ANN | You did that. |
| TED | John, John get in here quick. |
| ANN | You did that coming in here. |
| JOHN comes in. | |
| JOHN | I can’t find nothing in the bedroom. |
| TED | John you won’t believe this. |
| JOHN | Where is he? |
| ANN | It’s your fault coming in here. |
| TED | He ran on the balcony and jumped over. |
| JOHN | He what? |
| TED | I can’t look. |
| ANN | I’m going down. You did it, I’ll tell everyone you did it, why can’t you keep out of my life. |
| ANN goes. | |
| TED | I just said we’ve had enough of you. I didn’t touch him. |
| JOHN | He knew what we was here for. |
| TED | He knew we were here to say you got our sister on drugs. |
| JOHN | And we said that. |
| TED | That’s all we said. |
| JOHN | We weren’t going to kill him or nothing. |
| TED | We were going to give him a smack. |
| JOHN | That’s all right. Anyone expects a smack. |
| TED | We’ll say exactly what happened. We don’t need a story, do we, I mean what happened is what happened is perfectly all right. |
| JOHN | He might not be dead you know. |
| TED | I can’t look. |
| JOHN | I’ll look. |
| TED | Go on then. |
| JOHN | Yes I’m going to. |
| TED | He must have been out of his head is what it is. |
| JOHN | They’ll see what he was on at the hospital. |
| TED | Maybe it’s something he was going to do whether we come or not. |
| JOHN | Don’t be stupid. |
| TED | So are you going to look or what? |
| JOHN | Yes I’m going to look. |
| TED | What a stupid bastard. |
| JOHN | Do you think she’s down there by now? I’ll have a look. |
Animal Conservation and Third World Economies: the Ivory Trade
| DEIRDRE and POLLY. | |
| DEIRDRE | I’m going to hospital on Monday. |
| POLLY | Nothing serious? |
| DEIRDRE | No not at all but I’ve got to swallow a tube. |
| POLLY | I could go with you if you like. |
| DEIRDRE | No, it’s nothing, I’ve done it before. You can do it with drugs or without. |
| POLLY | With. |
| DEIRDRE | I did do with the first time, I wasn’t given a choice, but last time they said it only takes a couple of minutes do you want to try without. I said how often do people do that and they said about fifty fifty and I said and what do they say about it afterwards and they said oh they’re fine about it, honestly, but of course if you haven’t anything to do this afternoon and don’t mind being drugged up – so put like that of course it was a challenge. |
| POLLY | And was it horrible? |
| DEIRDRE | The worst bit’s when it goes over the throat. You have to keep breathing deeply, like being in labour except not. But everything taking second place to your body. And when it’s over you feel terrific. I walked home because I’d got a whole extra afternoon but that was stupid because I got exhausted because I hadn’t eaten or drunk anything since half past seven. And of course at the time I thought it was good not putting poison in my body but afterwards I thought they were just trying to save money. |
| POLLY | Of course they were. Didn’t you realise that? |
| DEIRDRE | So maybe on Monday I’ll have the drugs. |
| POLLY | I’d definitely have the drugs. |
| DEIRDRE | I probably will. Yes I think I’ll definitely go for the drugs. |
Hong Kong
| TOM and LEO. | |
| TOM | How could you do that you lied to me yes no I don’t want to hear |
| LEO | very funny I don’t care I don’t care what you |
| TOM | just about enough |
| LEO | and I suppose you never? |
| TOM | why don’t we just why don’t we just now wait a minute |
| LEO | can’t stand it can’t |
| TOM | get this sorted out. Why in particular? |
| LEO | no good coming in now and saying |
| TOM | but listen why don’t we just |
| LEO | too late |
| TOM | impossible to talk to |
| LEO | should have thought of that |
| TOM | you are so |
| LEO | piss off. |
| TOM | Not the first time |
| LEO | can’t trust you with the simplest |
| TOM | no point in even |
| LEO | for instance and then last week you |
| TOM | how could you do that |
| LEO | and what you said was you wouldn’t dream |
| TOM | and it doesn’t even stand up I’d have to be stupid |
| LEO | stupid stupid stupid |
| TOM | break your neck |
| LEO | and you smell bad |
| TOM | if you could see yourself |
| LEO | piggy eyes piggy eyes piggy eyes |
| TOM | don’t just don’t even start don’t just I’m warning you now don’t |
| LEO | never did anyway |
| TOM | what the fuck you |
| LEO | on Wednesday at half past eleven when we’d specifically |
| TOM | two hundred pounds I don’t understand how you can |
| LEO | because that’s where you were don’t bother denying it |
| TOM | and then you blame me |
| LEO | because I saw her in Safeways and she |
| TOM | don’t let me see him again that’s all or I’ll |
| LEO | in our own bed |
| TOM | no. |
| LEO | I’m going to |
| TOM | fine by me |
| LEO | because I never |
| TOM | don’t fancy you any more have to imagine |
| LEO | every time you come into the house my heart |
| TOM | haven’t ever liked you |
| LEO | disgust me. |
| Their friend CHARLIE arrives. | |
| TOM | well well well well well |
| LEO | long time |
| TOM | wet coat |
| CHARLIE | ah lovely |
| TOM | how you |
| CHARLIE | traffic |
| TOM | pretty busy |
| CHARLIE | seen old Joey lately because I’ve |
| LEO | house in the south of France |
| CHARLIE | running all over town trying to |
| TOM | rollmop herrings |
| CHARLIE | must have been terrible for you |
| LEO | and you’ve heard about Rose and |
| TOM | so we put in an offer of twenty thousand less than |
| CHARLIE | halfway to America by now. |
| LEO | So how’s Wendy are you still |
| CHARLIE | terrible headaches |
| TOM | always remember that summer when |
| CHARLIE | the train to Brindisi |
| LEO | and the smell of the rain on the dust |
| CHARLIE | I do of course understand her point of view I wouldn’t want to |
| TOM | always was a bit |
| LEO | emphasis on personal development |
| CHARLIE | her mother screeching positively screeching I couldn’t |
| TOM | a good acupuncturist |
| LEO | up at half past five in the summer when the light |
| CHARLIE | my cousin in Australia |
| TOM | on the other hand |
| LEO | yes I wouldn’t want to |
| CHARLIE | helps to talk things over with |
| TOM | not getting any younger |
| CHARLIE | don’t know what to think |
| LEO | and is it this weekend we put the clocks back or is it back I never I have to work it out on my fingers same with America if I |
| TOM | stay to supper? |
| CHARLIE | my aunt’s cat it got hit by a car and I said I’d |
| LEO | onion soup |
| CHARLIE | you are the loveliest |
| LEO | if you want to go to a movie, I haven’t seen |
| TOM | supposed to be terrifying |
| CHARLIE | though I didn’t think so much of his |
| LEO | the bit where they fell down the stairs and the |
| CHARLIE | so I’ll call you next week and maybe we can |
| LEO | that would be lovely |
| TOM | great to see you |
| LEO | give my love to |
| CHARLIE | sorry I’m a bit |
| LEO | next week. |
| CHARLIE goes. | |
| putting on weight | |
| TOM | having rather a difficult |
| LEO | work’s not what it was of course but he didn’t |
| TOM | why don’t we just get a curry in I really fancy a |
| LEO | so tired I could |
| TOM | hot bath |
| LEO | hey |
| TOM | yes well |
| LEO | exhausted |
| TOM | quarrelling is so |
| LEO | oh god |
| TOM | come here and let me |
| LEO | you don’t really |
| TOM | let me just |
| LEO | because I do still |
| TOM | you’re such a |
| LEO | not all my |
| TOM | don’t start |
| LEO | love it when you |
The Northern Ireland Peace Process
| FATHER, MOTHER and MURIEL at dinner. | |
| FATHER | Is Muriel going to eat her dinner? |
| MOTHER | Yes, eat up, Muriel. |
| FATHER | Have a special bite of daddy’s. |
| MOTHER | Yes, eat up, Muriel. |
| FATHER | Muriel, if you don’t eat your dinner you know what’s going to happen to you. |
| MOTHER | Yes, eat up, Muriel. |
Genetic Engineering
| ERIC and MADDY on their way to bed. | |
| MADDY | What was that? was that a bomb but far more likely |
| ERIC | no far more likely |
| MADDY | more likely a building some kind of construction |
| ERIC | demolition |
| MADDY | some kind of building |
| ERIC | some kind of building site or a road accident a crash but it’s the wrong kind of sound for that it was more |
| MADDY | what, more |
| ERIC | more whoosh in it not so much metal |
| MADDY | like a firework can be like that like a rocket |
| ERIC | yes but no it was bigger |
| MADDY | no but they can those public ones set off huge |
| ERIC | so anyway I don’t think it was a bomb anyway |
| MADDY | no I never thought it was a bomb. We could notice what time it is just to |
| ERIC | yes because you remember that time |
| MADDY | yes we said what was that but we didn’t think anything of it |
| ERIC | no I did think |
| MADDY | and later it had been ten past one and we said |
| ERIC | yes you said that must be what we heard because we’d just sat down to the soup |
| MADDY | yes we said we must have heard it because it was ten past one. |
| ERIC | Well it’s near enough half past eleven. |
| MADDY | I’m going to bed. |
| ERIC | Go on then, I’m coming. |
| MADDY | Yes but do come. You’ll sit. |
| ERIC | No I am coming. |
| MADDY | I’m not sure I’m sleepy anyway. |
| ERIC | I’m not going to have a bath I had a bath yesterday I don’t feel like a bath. |
| MADDY | No don’t have a bath have one in the morning. |
The Impact of Capitalism on the Former Soviet Union
End.
About the Author
CARYL CHURCHILL
Caryl Churchill has written for the stage, television and radio. Her stage plays include Owners (Royal Court Theatre Upstairs, 1972); Objections to Sex and Violence (Royal Court, 1975), Light Shining in Buckinghamshire (Joint Stock on tour incl. Theatre Upstairs, 1976); Vinegar Tom (Monstrous Regiment on tour, incl. Half Moon and ICA, 1976); Traps (Theatre Upstairs, 1977); Cloud Nine (Joint Stock on tour incl. Royal Court, London, 1979, then Theatre de Lys, New York, 1981); Three More Sleepless Nights (Soho Poly and Theatre Upstairs, 1980); Top Girls (Royal Court London, then Public Theater, New York, 1982); Fen (Joint Stock on tour, incl. Almeida and Royal Court, London, then Public Theatre, New York, 1983); Softcops (RSC at the Pit, 1984); A Mouthful of Birds with David Lan (Joint Stock on tour, incl. Royal Court, 1986); Serious Money (Royal Court and Wyndham’s, London, then Public Theater, New York, 1987); Icecream (Royal Court, 1989); Mad Forest (Central School of Speech and Drama, then Royal Court, 1990); Lives of the Great Poisoners with Orlando Gough and Ian Spink (Second Stride on tour, incl. Riverside Studios, London, 1991); The Skriker (Royal National Theatre, 1994); Thyestes translated from Seneca (Royal Court Theatre Upstairs, 1994); Hotel with Orlando Gough and Ian Spink (Second Stride on tour, incl. The Place, London, 1997); This is a Chair (London International Festival of Theatre at the Royal Court, 1997); Blue Heart (Joint Stock on tour, incl. Royal Court Theatre, 1997); Far Away (Royal Court Theatre Upstairs, 2000, and Albery, London, 2001, then New York Theatre Workshop, 2002); A Number (Royal Court Theatre Downstairs, 2002, then New York Theatre Workshop, 2004); A Dream Play after Strindberg (Royal National Theatre, 2005); Drunk Enough to Say I Love You? (Royal Court Theatre Upstairs, 2006, then Public Theater, New York, 2008); Bliss, translated from Olivier Choinière (Royal Court Theatre, 2008); Seven Jewish Children – a play for Gaza (Royal Court Theatre, 2009); Love and Information (Royal Court Theatre Downstairs, 2012); Ding Dong the Wicked (Royal Court Theatre Downstairs, 2012).
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