I sat down between the fallen roof tiles on the bench where Irene had woken me and greeted me, and didn’t know how to bear that she was gone. That I could not see her face, hear her voice, touch her, hold her hand in mine. That she had woken up in the morning and seen the ruined old house, and thought she would now be taken to Rock Harbour and to Sydney to die in a white room. That she hadn’t trusted me. But what could I have done? How could I not have taken her to hospital? Could we have lived on the boat until she died?

She had woken up in the morning, had struggled to the side of the boat, and let herself fall. Had she kissed me, stroked my hair or said something? Could I have woken up? I understood that she did not want to die in a white room. But I would have stayed with her day and night, we would have been close, we would have loved one another.

There is always something better than death. Could Irene not have known that? There is always something better than death, somewhere, whether in a white room in a hospital in the Outback or in Sydney. It must have happened differently from the way I had imagined. She had felt nauseous, as she had so often these past few days, she wanted to vomit over the side of the boat, and she had lost her balance and fallen in the water, too weak to swim or cry for help.

Kari came, saw that Irene was not there, asked no questions, said nothing, squatted down on the beach and stared out to sea. Could I hear plaintive humming notes from where he was squatting, beyond my field of vision? I don’t know how much time passed, how long I sat and he squatted. Occasionally the notes of grief came into my ear. At some point I stood up and looked in his direction, but he was gone.

I went to the boat, took the bed out and dragged it onto the rubble of the old house. I searched the boat and between oars, fishing gear, canisters, tubes, brushes and rags I found a piece of rope that was long enough to tie the wheel tight and keep the boat on course. I left my clothes on the beach, went back to the boat, started the engine and stayed on board until I could be sure that it was headed straight towards the centre of the mouth to the cove. Then I jumped in the water and swam back.