The only person Abs wanted to see was Kelsey, but he couldn’t find her anywhere, and had to ask a production assistant.

‘She’s probably having a fag out the back.’

It took him a few minutes to realize Jez wasn’t with him, and he saw him sitting alone at the end of the bar. Worried about his state of mind, Abs was about to go over, but then he heard a familiar throaty laugh and in an instant he forgot all about his mate.

The crowd miraculously parted like the Red Sea in that old movie, to reveal Kelsey standing there. She wore a shimmering low-cut dress that showed off her voluptuous figure and bronzed thighs, and Perspex shoes with heel spikes as thin as knitting needles, which allowed you to see her painted toes all scrunched together. Her eyes were big and blue behind lashes heavy with mascara, and her skin sparkled with glittery moisturizer. She flicked back her hair extensions, which fell to her waist, and, planting one hand on a broad hip, lifted the other to point at him with one long acrylic nail.

‘What are you waiting for, you silly boy,’ she commanded him in a voice made husky by menthol cigarettes. ‘Come and give me a cuddle.’

Abs felt the eyes of everyone on them both, and maybe he was imagining it, but even the volume of the music seemed to dim. He lifted her up and spun her in the air.

‘You made it.’ Laughing with delight, Kelsey threw back her head and tossed her hair for the benefit of the room. ‘You came.’

‘Hello, Kelz,’ Abs said, trying to play it cool in front of everyone.

She fluttered her long eyelashes, which were the length of spider legs. He couldn’t believe they were together again. What a woman she was; what a woman. They were soulmates, him and Kelsey, Abs truly believed that, and he’d do anything to get back with her.

‘I’ve been thinking about you,’ she said, running a nail down his chest. ‘Lots.’

His response came out in a croak. ‘Yeah?’

‘I miss the old days, Abs,’ she said in her familiar estuary twang, as the music lifted and everyone got on with their own conversations. ‘I love the show still, you know I do, it’s been good to me, but a lot of the old gang have gone now – Emma G, Tabitha, Justyn, Chase – and the new cast members are so young.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I’m feeling old, sweets.’

‘You’re the what-do-they-call-it, the matriarch on the show now,’ he told her.

‘I don’t even know what that means.’ She pulled a face. ‘But I don’t like the sound of it. Point is, I think you should come back. To Laid In Essex! We’d get the biggest ratings ever, no word of a lie.’

Her invitation was beyond his wildest dreams and he couldn’t help but be excited. Back in the day, Abs and Kelz were the show; their relationship was the foundation on which the success of Laid In Essex! was built. It was their chemistry that turned it quickly into a cultural phenomenon. Together, they had graced the cover of TV Choice a record six times.