He was desperate for telly work, of course, but he’d take anything within reason. He’d heard on the grapevine there was a sidekick role available on an overnight show on Three Counties Radio.

‘I’ve got a few irons in the fire,’ Vince said cheerfully. It was a phrase he used a lot, a few irons in the fire, as if any number of hot opportunities were about to drop into Abs’s lap.

‘What about I’m A Celebrity? Did you pitch me for that?’ It was the prime-time show Abs really wanted to get on because of its reputation for re-energizing the careers of the people who took part. If he had to eat a few kangaroo scrotums, so be it.

Vince let out a long breath. ‘That’s a tough call, Abs. There’s a lot of competition to appear on I’m A Celeb.’

‘What about Love Island?’

‘I’ll be honest with you, you’re probably too old for that.’ Abs heard him flicking the pages of a desk diary. ‘Listen, there is one offer of a personal appearance…’

Abs stopped dead in the street, holding his breath. He dreamed of a bit of foreign travel, like in the old days. The opening of a club or resort in Ayia Napa. Kelsey would be knocked out by that.

‘That new burger place wants you to appear at the first anniversary of their opening.’

‘The posh burger restaurant?’ It wasn’t much, but Abs still felt momentarily excited. ‘The one in Chelmsford?’

Vince was quiet for a moment. ‘The one on Southend seafront, Abs.’

‘The burger stall? The one next to the stand that sells doughnuts and fizzy pop?’

‘It’s an organic burger concession, Abs, it’s quality stuff.’

Abs pressed his fingers into his eyes. It all seemed so hopeless.

‘There’s something else, Vince. And it’s making me anxious.’

Vince sounded concerned. ‘What is it, Abs?’

A van drove past, horn blaring.

‘Hey, Abs.’ A driver hung out of the window and he waved back – How you doing? – but the guy gave him the wanker sign and the car sped off down the road.

He was around the corner from the club now and just wanted to get inside. ‘There was this guy at the QuidStore, who was looking at me funny, like he wanted to do me harm. I think I recognize him, I think he’s—’

‘That’s Basildon for you,’ said Vince. ‘People look at you funny.’

Abs swallowed. ‘You heard about Deano’s death, right?’

Vince sounded uncomfortable. ‘Yeah, it’s a shock, so it’s understandable you’re jumpy. It’ll pass, Abs, it’ll pass.’

‘I think I need some kind of protection, Vince.’

‘Protection?’

‘A personal bodyguard.’

Vince was incredulous. ‘And where do you think I’m going to get the money for that?’

‘I’m your client,’ said Abs. ‘I’m, like, one of your biggest names—’

‘You were, Abs. Past tense.’

‘I thought you would want to make sure I’m safe and sound.’

‘I don’t have that kind of money, not even for my successful clients.’ There was a tense silence on the line. ‘Look, Abs, it’s not like you’re earning at the moment. Your star has dimmed, that’s the truth of it. I love you like a younger brother, a son even, but I’m not going to get you muscle because some fella looked at you funny at Basildon QuidStore.’