I moved closer and wrapped her in a hug. Braced my body against her heaving chest, the fabric of her sweater, took one long uninterrupted breath in. This was the funeral. This was the body in the casket. I could practically feel her longing, her body coursing, raging, veins like tiny red rivers; we both knew in that moment that the two of us wanted him back more than anything, more than anything, and watching the accident made it all seem so futile, so indiscriminate in the worst possible way. Maybe if we stared long enough, we could reach in and pull him out. There was no reason for it. Not for any of it.

I sobbed into her chest. ‘Mom,’ I said, ‘I’m freaking out, Mom. I’m really, really freaking out.’

‘I love you,’ she said, over, over, over.

‘I get why you were trying to … move on. I don’t want to do this any more. I don’t want to think about this any more. I hate it. I hate it. I want it to stop.’

Mom pulled away with glazed eyes, and fluffed up my hair. I didn’t think she knew what else to do. Her wedding ring clanked against my head but I didn’t flinch. ‘I’ll be back,’ she said. She kissed me on the head. ‘How about you just go and lie down, huh? Don’t go anywhere, baby. Stay here.’

Then she was gone and I was alone.

What do you do? Where do you go? I was being apprehended on all sides by something less than a ghost; there was nothing to fight. I considered just standing in that same spot motionless until Mom came back. Nailing myself to the wall. Or maybe if I lay flat enough against the floor I could mould into it.

I went back to my room, the adrenaline fading and a new terrible emptiness taking its place. What do you do? I couldn’t even try to get the video taken down; the police would need to see it. It’d be evidence.

Evidence. Evidence that I was right. That something had happened to him. It couldn’t have just been random. It couldn’t.

How would someone even have access to the footage?

Leo. I was too wired but Leo would know what to do.

I FaceTimed him; he answered on the fifth ring. ‘Hey man,’ I said, mainly in an unconvincing attempt to sound like I had my shit together, but my voice cracked on the ‘man’.

‘Hey, hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you – Wait, what’s the matter?’

I wiped my nose with my sleeve. ‘I need to show you something. OK? But only if you’re OK with watching it. It – the person sent it to me. Anonymous. Whatever. It’s a video of my dad. OK?’