As for me, I had nowhere for my restless energy. In my notebook, I tried to write a letter to my dad but my mind was racing too fast for words. I thought of Amber, sneaky and pretty. Sara, you ain’t ready to escape. Sara, you’re almost ready to learn. What did that mean? I really wished she was around, so we could break into the mansion, steal ourselves the jewels we deserved. I bet there were diamonds and emeralds inside; I would have liked to touch their shine. But it was for the best that I stayed still among fifteen rowdy boys. Two days had gone by, and I hadn’t drunk anything. I had not hurt anyone.

Nicholas lived above a bicycle-repair shop that seemed shady. No one was ever there. He wouldn’t explain, but I think his dealer was involved. Some of these details should be changed to protect the innocent, but I know you’re not going to narc on Saint Nicholas.

Anyway, when we got to his front door, he fiddled with the lock while I glanced back at the Blue House. All the lights were on. Lush, violent music played. Three women lay together on the small patch of lawn. One had green hair; one wore a black lace dress; the third wore a black leather jacket and swung around a cane. They all looked like they were around twenty-one. Nicholas pushed me in through his doorway, but before I left the street, I caught a glimpse of their faces. Flushed faces, lipstick smeared, smiles secret and content.

In his bed, he warned me about my body like he’d warned me about the Blue House.

His touch was gentle and aimless; I thought it was the speed. He lost interest and blamed it on his destroyed tailbone. But I was ready, I was tired of the way we skimmed over each other’s bodies.

You’re not ready, he said.

Why not?

You’re too young. You should save yourself until you’re in love.

I’ll never be in love.

It was true. I’d seen the Pleasure Family; I knew too much about love and I would never be that way.

You’re a teenage girl. Falling in love is your whole deal.

But I don’t want to be in love. I want—

Do you want to be ruined? Do you want to turn into a slut?

No, I said, but I’m—

Then stop asking for it. You’re gonna get me in trouble. You’re a baby, for Christ’s sake. You’re jailbait.

Can’t we just—

But he turned his back to me. He didn’t like to argue. He laid down the law. That was his way.