Tom I didn’t mean to make you feel bad, Joe.

Joe (slowly) Here. Take this gun out in the street and give it to some worthy hold-up man.

Lady What’s he saying?

Man (uncrosses legs) You wanted to visit a honky-tonk. Well, this is a honky-tonk. (To the world.) Married twenty-eight years and she’s still looking for adventure.

Tom How should I know who’s a hold-up man?

Joe Take it away. Give it to somebody.

Tom (bewildered) Do I have to give it to somebody?

Joe Of course.

Tom Can’t I take it back and get some of our money?

Joe Don’t talk like a businessman. Look around and find somebody who appears to be in need of a gun and give it to him. It’s a good gun, isn’t it?

Tom The man said it was, but how can I tell who needs a gun?

Joe Tom, you’ve seen good people who needed guns, haven’t you?

Tom I don’t remember. Joe, I might give it to the wrong kind of guy. He might do something crazy.

Joe All right. I’ll find somebody myself.

Tom rises.

Joe Here’s some money. Go get me this week’s Life, Liberty, Time and six or seven packages of chewing gum.

Tom (swiftly, in order to remember each item) Life, Liberty, Time and six or seven packages of chewing gum.

Joe That’s right.

Tom All that chewing gum? What kind?

Joe Any kind. Mix ’em up. All kinds.

Tom Liquorice, too?

Joe Liquorice, by all means.

Tom Juicy Fruit?

Joe Juicy Fruit.

Tom Tutti-frutti?

Joe Is there such a gum?

Tom I think so.

Joe All right. Tutti-frutti, too. Get all the kinds. Get as many kinds as they’re selling.

Tom Life, Liberty, Time and all the different kinds of gum. (He begins to go.)

Joe (calling after him loudly) Get some jelly beans too. All the different colours.

Tom All right, Joe.

Joe And the longest panatella cigar you can find. Six of them.

Tom Panatella. I got it.

Joe Give a newskid a dollar.

Tom OK, Joe.

Joe Give some old man a dollar.

Tom OK, Joe.

Joe Give them Salvation Army people in the street a couple of dollars and ask them to sing that song that goes – (He sings loudly.)

Let the lower lights be burning,

Send a gleam across the wave.

Tom (swiftly) ‘Let the lower lights be burning, send a gleam across the wave.’

Joe That’s it. (He goes on with the song, very loudly and religiously.)

Some poor, dying, struggling seaman,

You may rescue, you may save. (Halts.)

Tom OK, Joe. I got it. Life, Liberty, Time, all the kinds of gum they’re selling, jelly beans, six panatella cigars, a dollar for a newskid, a dollar for an old man, two dollars for the Salvation Army. (Going.) ‘Let the lower lights be burning, send a gleam across the wave.’

Joe That’s it.

Lady He’s absolutely insane.

Man (wearily crossing legs) You asked me to take you to a honky-tonk, instead of to the Mark Hopkins. You’re here in a honky-tonk. I can’t help it if he’s crazy. Do you want to go back to where people aren’t crazy?