Nick (on phone) Nick’s Pacific Street Restaurant, Saloon and Entertainment Palace. Good afternoon. Nick speaking. (Listens.) Who? (Turns around.) Is there a Dudley Bostwick in the joint?

Dudley jumps to his feet and goes to phone.

Dudley (on phone) Hello. Elsie? (Listens.) You’re coming down? (Elated. To the saloon.) She’s coming down. (Pause.) No. I won’t drink. Aw, gosh, Elsie.

He hangs up, looks about him strangely, as if he were just born, walks around touching things, putting chairs in place, and so on.

McCarthy (to Harry) Splendid. Splendid.

Harry Then I go into this little routine. (He demonstrates.)

Krupp Is that good, Mac?

McCarthy It’s awful, but it’s honest and ambitious, like everything else in this great country.

Harry Then I work along into this. (He demonstrates.) And this is where I really get going. (He finishes the dance.)

McCarthy Excellent. A most satisfying demonstration of the present state of the American body and soul. Son, you’re a genius.

Harry (delighted, shaking hands with McCarthy) I go in front of an audience for the first time in my life tonight.

McCarthy They’ll be delighted. Where’d you learn to dance?

Harry Never took a lesson in my life. I’m a natural-born dancer. And comedian too.

McCarthy (astounded) You can make people laugh?

Harry (dumbly) I can be funny, but they won’t laugh.

McCarthy That’s odd. Why not?

Harry I don’t know. They just won’t laugh.

McCarthy Would you care to be funny now?

Harry I’d like to try out a new monologue I’ve been thinking about.

McCarthy Please do. I promise you if it’s funny I shall roar with laughter.

Harry This is it. (Goes into the act, with much energy.) I’m up at Sharkey’s on Turk Street. It’s a quarter to nine, daylight saving. Wednesday, the eleventh. What I’ve got is a headache and a 1918 nickel. What I want is a cup of coffee. If I buy a cup of coffee with the nickel, I’ve got to walk home. I’ve got an eight-ball problem. George the Greek is shooting a game of snooker with Pedro the Filipino. I’m in rags. They’re wearing thirty-five-dollar suits, made to order. I haven’t got a cigarette. They’re smoking Bobby Burns panatellas. I’m thinking it over, like I always do. George the Greek is in a tough spot. If I buy a cup of coffee, I’ll want another cup. What happens? My ear aches! My ear. George the Greek takes the cue. Chalks it. Studies the table. Touches the cue ball delicately. Tick. What happens? He makes the three-ball! What do I do? I get confused. I go out and buy a morning paper. What the hell do I want with a morning paper? What I want is a cup of coffee, and a good used car. I go out and buy a moming paper. Thursday, the twelfth, maybe the headline’s about me. I take a quick look. No. The headline is not about me. It’s about Hitler. Seven thousand miles away. I’m here. Who the hell is Hitler? Who’s behind the eight-ball? I turn around. Everybody’s behind the eight-ball!