I’m so relieved. Grandpa treats me well. How did he treat my gay ancestors? When it wasn’t okay with anybody? Could I find my people here, in this universe? There’d be so much to ask. So many stories to lead me, to teach me it’s okay. That there’s joy to be found and a life to be discovered and rediscovered.

I’m afraid of the person I’m becoming. I put a pencil through a guy’s hand and laughed. My emotions? Too big, too all-at-once for me to manage. Who knows what I’ll do next? What if I fall off the deep end? Open fire on my class? I don’t trust myself anymore. And if I lose myself . . . I’ll never be visited by my ancestors again. This is a place for heroes. And they’d never welcome me in.

The carousel manifests outside of the ancestral circle and I find myself lying with my legs bent at the knees. My head is crooked against the wheel, like it’s two inches from snapping, and my arm is outstretched like I’m already dead. A ghoul is spinning the carousel with one finger, keeping it at the pace of a cranked wooden music box, like it’s turning the dial on my life span.

How long do I have to live?

It creates such a spectacle—dying out in the open. Imagine I died here. A soccer mom or a man with a leaf blower or a kid walking his dog would discover my hard body on the carousel, dead in a playground, and their innocence would be ruined forever. The park would be ruined. No more laughter and fun. Just a wake of devastation.

Mom would hear the news and shatter like a busted light. Giving up here would be so unfair to her. She’d have to deal with it after. So I can’t do it. She doesn’t always hear me, but she loves me.

I push my shoulders back and my chest out. It only seems respectful to match the stance of my grandfather when I speak to him. To mirror his power and strength as best I can.

“I’m gonna fight him,” I announce.

My ancestors snap to formation with a collective hoot, all crossing one fist over their chest at once, taking hold of the quivers, bullet belts, or their own hearts, the breath in their chests. They’re with me. If nothing else, I can go back to the Here and live in peace knowing something glorious awaits me on this side of fate. That alone gives me purpose. That alone gives me fight.