“No,” Kim answered. “The very opposite, actually. Once we were married, he remained all those things and more. My biggest champion and supporter. I was so happy and felt I could take on the world with him at my side. We had everything, the rest of our lives to look forward to. Then I got pregnant.”

She noted how her words affected Antonio. He shifted slightly, a disapproving expression passing over his face. She knew his view on children. He adored them, believed them a gift from God, something to cherish. Kim didn’t get that line of thinking. Her parents obviously hadn’t either.

“When I found out I was going to have a baby, I was scared out of my wits. I didn’t know how to be a parent. I didn’t even know where to start. Having a child had never been a consideration for me. Everything with the business was going so well and I was happier than I’d ever been in my life. Then there was this baby in the mix and I was supposed to be over the moon about it. Everyone else was. Gabriel was beside himself with joy.” She shook her head as her eyes glassed over at the memory.

“Kim—” Antonio began but she stopped him.

“I know what you’re going to say, but please hear me out,” she pleaded. “I didn’t really want the baby.”

The words were horrible to say out loud, but nonetheless true. Kim hadn’t wanted her own child. She felt terrible for it, but it didn’t change what was. She might not have wanted Lily, but not having her wasn’t an option either. Gabriel would never have forgiven her (nor could she have forgiven herself), and he assured her every day that she would be a great mother. Her fears would pass and she would see that she could do it.

But it hadn’t happened.

“I carried Lily for all those months and every day I hoped to feel the excitement and happiness everyone said I would, but I didn’t. The closer I got to her birth, the more scared I became. When she finally arrived, it was almost a confirmation that I shouldn’t be a mother. She refused to nurse and cried whenever I picked her up. It was almost as if she didn’t want me either.” Kim took a deep breath as emotion began to overwhelm her. “It’s like she knew.”

“It is all right. Let it out.” Antonio spoke gently, like a father to his child.

“She had colic. She’d cry and cry but nothing I did helped. Only Gabriel could get her to stop. He’d hold her in a special way and she’d just go quiet and fall asleep. It never worked for me, no matter how many times I tried. Eventually, I stopped trying and just left him to it.”