I went often to Syl’s house. Now I felt at peace with Syl’s mother. She cared nothing for my transgressions. She trusted me. I felt safe with her. Oh yes, I was a Nazarene, but I began more and more to feel it would not have been so bad to live in the zenana with the women—just so long as the Sultan was away a lot. Safe and quiet with the old wives and the young ones and the children. The children would have rather spoiled it, now I come to think about it. Nothing was ever perfect. Shadowed rooms with the sun fingering its way between the lattice would not be ideal if they were full of hooting children. Perhaps, after all, Margaret had chosen the best way; the convent way. I wasn’t well. Not well to be thinking so. I put on my red coat and went out in the cold to see Syl’s mother. The cleaning lady was there, cleaning. She grinned at me. Almost she laughed at me. I didn’t mind. She was just another woman of the zenana. There could have been few secrets in the zenana. If she could read my thoughts I didn’t care. Why should I? Slaves and eunuchs, Osmanli and Circassians, Frankish women and women of the desert—all had lived together in the harem and known each other’s thoughts. There was no privacy there, and those who practised secrecy, if they were found out, suffered things I could not tell you about. You would not sleep well. I thought that secrecy was overrated. Keeping secrets was as foolish as keeping scorpions under your hat. I wished I hadn’t got any.

Syl’s mother was in bed looking so old and tired. Oh my soul, the sorrows of age. I stayed with her until I had to go. I would have stayed longer but I had to go. I had to go and say goodbye to Celestine and the rest, and I thought I might go to Ely Place to confession at the church there. And then I thought I might as well wait to do that.

I said, ‘I must go’, and I told her not to worry, and I went.

I met Robert at the French pub. I hadn’t known he’d be there but he was. I was so pleased to see him. Every time I saw him my heart eased a little. We had not spoken much over the last few days. Things were not well between us but still just to see him there eased my heart. He was standing by the bar, leaning on an elbow and there were people all around us.