She opened her arms as I approached with a dumbfounded look on my face.

“Angie?” I asked incredulously.

“Last time I checked, I was your momma!” she snapped back. “I didn’t realize we wuz on a first name basis!”

“Last time I checked, you ditched me two and a half years ago!” I spat.

Hank put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. “Austin, boy, calm down.”

“Howdy, Hank,” Angie cooed, batting her mascara-caked eyelashes. “You’re looking as delicious as ever.”

“I’m afraid I can’t say the same about you, Angie,” he replied curtly.

“What happened to you?” I asked. “Didn’t you used to have more teeth?”

“Oh, that was the crystal meth,” Angie said dismissively. “I got off of that, and I’m walking with the Lord now! That’s how come I put on the weight.”

I couldn’t believe that this woman had shown up in the middle of my birthday party. I was outraged. The last thing I was going to do was let this deadbeat ruin my marriage to Hank.

“What do you want here?” Hank asked brusquely.

“I’ve come home!” she declared.

“This isn’t your home!” I retorted. “This home belongs to Hank and me!”

“Well, all that is gonna change ‘cause Momma has come home!”

“What the hell are you doing here?” I asked viciously with Angie sitting across from me at the kitchen table.

Hank had quickly excused our party guests. We had left all the food, napkins, and plates outside. With Hank to my left, Angie sat across the table from the two of us.

“Well, Austin,” she began in her exaggerated accent. “I was hoping for a warmer reception than this.”

“What did you expect a red carpet and a sash?” I asked acidly.

Hank chuckled from my side.

“No!” she quickly replied. “But I expected a little more excitement from my husband and my son!”

“We ain’t married no more!” Hank roared. “I made sure to take care of that in case your sorry ass showed back up!”

“That’s right!” I chimed in. “Besides, Hank and I are married now!” I flashed my gold band in front of her. “He’s my husband!”

I suddenly felt like I was trapped in an episode of Jerry Springer.

Angie gave me a scathing look. “I heard about your little pretend marriage! In the eyes of God, you’ll never be married! You two are abominations!”

“I don’t give a shit about the eyes of God! That bullshit only works on people who subscribe to those beliefs,” I laughed. “So save that crap! And our marriage is real in every way, Angie! I’m a better spouse to Hank than you ever were! And who are you to speak about God and sin anyway? You think God had his eyes closed when you were a crack whore? Or when you used to forge checks? Or when you used to walk into nursing homes disguised as a worker and steal the patient’s money? And how ‘bout when you used to go door-to-door and pretend to collect for the March of Dimes and pocket the money instead? So how dare you walk up into my house and act like some paragon of virtue, saying that me and Hank are sinning by being in a committed, monogamous relationship?!”