Once when I was sitting there and he was coming back from the toilet, I noticed that his pajamas were at half mast, and I could see his bottom. I realized how much I loved his body, how much I savored being close to him, and how easy and comfortable it was for us to be together without the possibility of sex. We found pleasure in the aura of each other, in the fact that we knew each other’s bodies, had possessed each other. We did not need to do that now. We had other needs.

The operation was short and simple, and did not cause Pablo much pain. He liked the surgeon, he said. Still, he was tired afterward and needed mild painkillers. The temporary line was removed from his wrist; from now on the drugs, the Foscarnet and Gancyclovir, would enter his system through the line in his chest. He spent a few days learning how to manipulate the line and keep it clean. It was important that it did not become infected. As I watched him sleep the day of the operation, I began to wonder what he would look like when he was dead. Maybe he would have suffered more, and his face would be thinner, but maybe too he would look as peaceful and serene as he did now. Maybe his death would be easy. He woke and looked at me and smiled.

It was still unclear whether the treatment was working or not. Pablo still complained of a shadow in the corner of his eye. Doctor Cawley said that the specialist would have to look at the eye, and further treatment could take four or five days more, or maybe longer. We made plans to keep the drugs in my fridge and Pablo could come around every day and take them. I wanted him to come and live with me again, but I did not mention this. Sometimes, he seemed distant from me, as though he had decided that we would never be lovers again. I did not want him to spell this out, so I did not talk to him about our relationship, or our future together.

He was worried about his parents. He knew that he would have to make sure that they did not notice the line in his chest. As the time approached for him to leave the hospital and enter the real world again, he became silent. I said nothing to him about the plans I had harbored to go to San Francisco and stay there. I did not think that we had enough money.