The next day as I was walking by the river with my cousin Pedro, I found Juan sitting there with one of the other boys who had been in the barn. We sat and talked and then Pedro wanted to go. I said that I would stay by the river for a while. I knew as soon as Pedro left that the other two would come to the barn. We walked in that direction without saying why we were going there. This time we did not strip, but took our trousers down. I played with the other boy and pretended that I was interested in him, while knowing that I would soon be able to turn and pay attention to Juan. He held up his shirt and let us both play with his dick and balls. I buried my face in his neck as I ran my hands over his body. When I brought my lips close to his he turned away. I paid more attention to the other boy, and then turned toward Juan again, but he did not want me to touch his body, and when I suggested that we lie down, he refused. He said that I was acting as if I were a queer. None of us spoke as we walked home across the fields.

I had learned the rules. He had to have somebody else present, but not one of my cousins, or anyone older, and I could not lean against him, or lie down with him, or seem too interested. He liked me touching him, and he preferred me to any of the others, though we never discussed it, or even mentioned it. In the meantime, I began to sense that my mother was causing tension in Aunt Matilda’s kitchen, and often when I went in and out of the house, I noticed silence. But my mother still did not move from the chair. When she came into the room we shared at night I pretended I was asleep. I knew that something was going to happen, but I did not know what it was going to be.

One day I came in and found a new atmosphere in the kitchen. My mother had stopped talking about herself and was talking about something else. She was angry about something; over and over again she said that something could not possibly happen. Aunt Matilda moved around the kitchen with her mouth closed and her jaw rigidly set. I sat on a stool in the corner and listened. It seemed that my uncle had found my mother a job as a servant in the owner’s house. She would serve at the table and wear a uniform; she would be in charge of keeping the dining room clean. When my uncle came in, my mother stopped talking. No one spoke. My cousins came in. Still no one spoke. It seemed clear to me that they had been talking about us, or that something had happened earlier which I had missed.