I take a deep breath, thinking about the contraceptive pill in my washbag upstairs that the doctor prescribed for me at the same time as my anti-depressants. Liam doesn’t know about either pill. I never told him. I realised that I could no longer go on the way I was, moping around the house, bursting into tears every few minutes, feeling completely hopeless. I knew I needed to get a grip; if nothing else then just because I had all the horribly tedious and convoluted admin to deal with surrounding my mother’s death. I was the executor of her will and I’d been putting off making calls and sorting things out after I’d broken down in tears on the phone to the bank when I called to let them know she was dead. The doctor prescribed them without any questions, and I’ve hidden both from Liam inside a box of tampons.

I feel embarrassed about needing them and I don’t want Liam to feel like it’s his fault that I’m not happy. I was warned not to get pregnant while I was taking them because they can cause birth defects which is why I’m on the pill. That and the fact I don’t want children. At least not right now.

It surprises me that the whole time we’ve been having sex Liam has secretly been hoping I’ll get pregnant. I wonder how he’d react if I told him that there’s never been any chance of it. I can’t tell him. He’d be so upset.

‘You’re right,’ I say to him. ‘Let’s just see what happens, I suppose. Let fate decide.’

‘Really?’ he asks, his face lighting up with hope.

I smile back and shrug at the same time. ‘I mean, it might take a while. You never know. So, it’s probably best we start now, just in case.’

I feel the lie trip off my tongue so easily it scares me. Liam is grinning as though he’s won something. My face starts to warm up and I don’t want him to see; he’s astute when it comes to truth – he is a pro at interrogation after all – so I quickly reach for the dice and throw it, then move my plastic car. ‘Look! A promotion at work and a pay rise.’