CHRISTOPHER

Sylvia Plath, John Berryman, Virginia Woolf, David Foster Wallace, Seneca, Hunter S. Thompson, Ernest Hemingway, William Inge, Anne Sexton, Hart Crane, Yukio Mishima, and John Kennedy Toole.

BELLA

But only one of those on that list could have possibly had a Twitter account.

CHRISTOPHER

I highly doubt David Foster Wallace was on Twitter.

BELLA

You might be surprised. Even the purest of our sect isn’t completely immune to the digital world. And Inge was primarily a playwright, by the way. I think playwrights actually have it harder.

(Christopher rises.)

You’re leaving.

(He stops.)

CHRISTOPHER

The real reason I came here is because I wanted to tell you that I’m writing a novel.

BELLA

Oh. Well, look at you.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, the day’s starting to sort of slip away, so …

BELLA

A novel. That’s exciting. And ambitious.

CHRISTOPHER

You mean for someone my age?

BELLA

It’s ambitious at any age, but yes, it’s particularly ambitious for an Ivy League freshman with a full course load.

CHRISTOPHER

Mary Shelley completed the manuscript for Frankenstein before her twentieth birthday.

BELLA

Yes, and by the time she was seventeen she’d already lost a child.

CHRISTOPHER

You presume I haven’t yet suffered enough to write a novel.

BELLA

I never said—

CHRISTOPHER

You know nothing about me.

BELLA

(Taking the high road) May I ask what it’s about?

CHRISTOPHER

Um … I feel like you won’t take me seriously unless I go like outfit my head with a crown of biblical-quality thorns or something.

BELLA

How far along are you?

CHRISTOPHER

You really want to know?

BELLA

I do.

CHRISTOPHER

I’ll tell you more tomorrow.

BELLA

(To the audience) I remind him that we don’t have class until Thursday. It’s only Monday.

CHRISTOPHER

During office hours then. Will you be here?

BELLA

From one to four P.M.

(To the audience) I ask him to please set up a proper appointment through the online departmental calendar.

CHRISTOPHER

Can’t we just do that now?

BELLA

I really think you should be following the ground rules here.

CHRISTOPHER

All these fucking rules.

BELLA

Whether you like it or not, Christopher, a big part of higher education is learning how to play the game properly.

CHRISTOPHER

Yeah, maybe this game’s just not for me.

BELLA

(To the audience) I tell him that a lot of kids would kill to have his spot at Yale.

CHRISTOPHER

FUCKING GESTAPO INTERNET CALENDARS AND DRACONIAN EMAIL ORGIES AND TWITTER-OBSESSED PLUTOCRAT PROFESSORS WHO GET OFF ON BEING ENSLAVED BY THE ENCEPHALITIC PROCEDURAL GARGOYLES FROM THE DEAN’S OFFICE! GO BULLDOGS!

BELLA

You feel better now?

CHRISTOPHER

IT’S ENOUGH TO GIVE YOUR AVERAGE FRESHMAN WHITE BOY DIGITAL CHLAMYDIA!

BELLA

(To the audience) In my calmest, most assured voice I ask him to please stop shouting. I add that if he’d care to take a gander at my biweekly Yale University pay stub he would see that I’m far from the realm of plutocrats. And then, finally, I suggest that if he has any more world-hating invective left in the tank he might want to head over to the New Haven Green and unleash it on the trees.