PANTALONA: Maybe she ate something bad.

BEATRICE: Right. Signora Pantalona, let’s see if I can make her feel better—please allow me a moment alone with Clarice,

PANTALONA: Sì Signor! Take your time. [To CLARICE] Behave and keep your mouth shut.

PANTALONA exits.

BEATRICE: Signora Clarice—

CLARICE: Stay back and don’t dare solicit me!

BEATRICE: Such severe words for your friend, I mean husband-to-be.

CLARICE: I will only go to the altar kicking and screaming. You’ll have my hand but not my heart.

BEATRICE: Yes, you’re right. Yet, I hope to appease you.

CLARICE: And I hope to abhor you for eternity.

BEATRICE: If you knew me you wouldn’t say such things.

CLARICE: I know you well enough as the destroyer of my happiness.

BEATRICE: But I have the means to console you.

CLARICE: You’re wrong, only Silvio can console me.

BEATRICE: Certainly, I cannot give you that which Silvio can provide. But I can make you happy.

CLARICE: It seems clear to me, Signor, that despite my acerbic tongue you still want to torment me.

BEATRICE: [aside] I haven’t got the heart to see her in such pain. [To CLARICE] Signora Clarice, I have a secret to tell you.

CLARICE: I cannot guarantee I will keep it, so don’t confide in me.

BEATRICE: Your sternness makes it difficult for me to please you.

CLARICE: You stubbornness makes me sick to look at you.

BEATRICE: You are wrong.

CLARICE: You are!

BEATRICE: And to convince you—

CLARICE: Don’t bother.

BEATRICE: I will now speak openly—

CLARICE: I’m not listening … la, la, la, la.

BEATRICE: You don’t want me, and I don’t want you.

CLARICE: That’s right!

BEATRICE: You have given your hand to Silvio and I have given my hand to another.

CLARICE: Good!

BEATRICE: I am not Federigo Rasponi—

CLARICE: Whatever.

BEATRICE: —but his sister, Beatrice.

BEATRICE opens her shirt.

CLARICE Oh.

BEATRICE: It’s okay, things are certainly not ordinary.

CLARICE: No, they are extraordinary.

BEATRICE: Swear that you can keep my secret.

CLARICE: Would you permit me to tell Silvio?

BEATRICE: Absolutely not! Your Silvio is an idiot.

CLARICE: I know, but I love him.

BEATRICE: I trust you, Signora Clarice.

CLARICE: I promise I won’t say a word.

BEATRICE: Grazie. [Thank you.]

CLARICE: And I will be your friend and ally.

BEATRICE: And I too will swear my eternal friendship.

CLARICE and BEATRICE embrace.

PANTALONA enters.

PANTALONA: Bravi! [Good!] Let’s set the date for the wedding immediately!

CLARICE: Mamma, why the rush?

PANTALONA: What! Nooky-nooky in secret and I don’t need to rush? No, no, no, we don’t want any disgrazie or ‘accidents’. [Aside to the audience] In Italian we say ‘disgrazia’ when a little slag brings great shame onto the family by getting knocked up. But to say ‘slag’ is offensive, so we won’t say the word ‘slag’.

Lazzo of ‘Don’t Say the Word’: All the characters repeat the phrase, ‘Don’t say the word “slag”’, including the audience in the game.

PANTALONA: [to CLARICE and BEATRICE] Tomorrow you will be married.