Before getting pregnant, she had tasted disappointment for the first time. She’d always thought there would be an even bigger world in front of her, an even more perfect man waiting for her love. In the end, this wasn’t the case. She had married into the Pacific Coast, giving up everything else. And this was all she had gotten in return. Often, when she was enjoying an ice cream, trying on expensive clothes, or watching the latest movie, her mind would wander into questioning whether this was the bigger, better world she’d wanted, the one she’d sacrificed so much for, causing so much destruction in her pursuit of it. A dull despair would wash over her, and she would toss aside the latest fashions or her favorite ice cream. What should she do with this disillusionment? How could she deal with the melancholy that frequently overtook her? She thought about the educated youth, playing his harmonica on that haystack, his eyes filling with expectation and sadness as he described the most delicious ice cream in the world. If he were still alive, and in her place, would he also be sighing, Is this all there is?
Just as she was at the “Is this all there is?” stage, the baby had shown up.
How many times have children broken a stalemate? In movies both good and bad, babies were always a turning point.
She hadn’t expected such a negative response from Glen. She sat there, feeling herself shrinking, just like the red candles, while Glen lectured her about the virtues of childlessness. Lying felt ugly.
She had told the secret talker that up to this point, her disappointment had been hazy and incomprehensible, but in that instant, it had grown concrete. To this day, she still wasn’t sure what exactly Glen’s objection to babies was. People who don’t like children inevitably lack tenderness, and those who don’t understand kids are always poor at communication. The secret talker could surely imagine how great her disenchantment had been.
She said nothing. Ten days later, she quietly went for an abortion. The procedure went badly, leaving her bleeding heavily. Not wanting to alarm Glen, she quietly took herself to the ER. The doctor said half the fetus had been left inside her body but would be eliminated naturally. Following his instructions, she collected in a jar everything her body expelled, so the hospital could examine it and make sure the fetal tissue was all gone. The jar stayed hidden in a cardboard box behind the toilet bowl.
Glen noticed it and asked what that bloody mass was.
Her heart filled with vicious swear words. She wanted to say, Isn’t that what you wanted? Now we won’t have descendants. Or else, Can’t you tell? That’s the result of us bumping uglies. But instead, she gritted her teeth and just stared at him.