“You may not be able to choose whether or not you are an Outlier, Wylie. Or, for that matter, whether or not you are anxious.” Dr. Shepard leaned forward and looked at me intently. “But you can decide what you do with who you are.”

I BREATHE IN to the count of four, trying not to exhale into the phone still pressed hard to my ear. “Jasper, what do you mean, that your mom ‘has a point?’ A point about what?”

“About the not living with her,” he says. “Maybe I’ll just hit the road or something. You know, freedom and all that. Figure it out as I go along.”

“Figure what out?” I snap, my fear rising.

“Figure out everything,” he says. “I’m sorry I woke you, Wylie. It was good you were asleep. We can talk about my mom and everything later, or tomorrow. Or whatever. That wasn’t even why I called. I was awake and wanted to say hi. That’s all.”

This is a lie. Even through the phone I can feel it.

“I’m up now. You don’t have to go.”

We are silent then in a way that I hate.

“You were right, you know,” Jasper finally goes on. “When you said it was my fault that Cassie got so out of control.”

I wince. I did say that—before we even got to Maine—maybe more than once. And, my God, did I mean it at the time. It’s hard now to even remember how much I had blamed Jasper for everything.

“I never should have said that, Jasper. I was afraid it was my fault for being a bad friend. Cassie getting messed up wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault.”

“Even if I liked that Cassie was so messed up?” Jasper says. And I can see now how deep his guilt is. He doesn’t even need to blame himself for what happened in those last moments in the cabin to make himself responsible for Cassie being gone. He sees himself as the one who set the train loose down the tracks. “That way I could keep on saving her over and over again.”

My stomach twists, deep and cold. My feelings, not Jasper’s.

“Who doesn’t like being the hero?” I offer, scrambling for the right thing.

“Yeah,” Jasper says. “But people don’t usually end up dead because of it.”

The awful flatness to his voice is back.

“Why don’t I come over?” I say. “You don’t sound like you should be alone.”

“No, it’s okay.”

“It’s no big deal. I don’t mind.” Already, I’m getting out of bed. My dad will take me to Jasper’s even if he’s not going to be thrilled.