Perhaps if I’d known all of these things, I would have made a different decision in that moment when Sweyn gave me that choice.

Choice. It was a tricky word. Watching Sweyn turn innocent humans in New Orleans last night triggered a bit of an existential crisis. More like a panic, honestly. In the hours since, I’d been looping every moment of my life since Maiya sauntered up to me in that jazz club. It’d taken me about an hour to convince myself that being turned wasn’t a choice, that it was one-hundred-percent not consensual, and that none of my decisions or actions prior to that were worth re-hashing. It wasn’t my fault, so I wasn’t going to go there.

Problem was, with that decision made, I’d spent the next few hours looping over the question of whether I actually had a choice with Sweyn. If my only option besides sex was death, was that considered a choice? In my mind I gave consent. I chose that path. But did it count? It was a question of ethics, most likely. Or maybe it was psychology. I didn’t know. Nor did I know how other people would view my decision. In the end, I decided it had been my decision. And even now, knowing all the things I did, I wouldn’t change that decision.

Death would have been easier.

Death would have been peaceful and painless.

But death would have been the end, and I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel yet. Even while I was still devastated by my new existence as a vampire, I didn’t want to die. I wanted the chance to find my footing as a fanger. To find my new life. To build a new future. Immortality terrified me, but I wanted more than three days to find comfort with it. I felt protective of my immortality, I was going to cling to it with every fiber of my being, no matter what I had to do. To me, that was consent. I’d found a certain level of peace with that.

The problem was . . . that decision wasn’t what bothered me. That decision gifted me with a chance at life and I would never regret it. My problem was the decisions I’d made since I got to Avolire, more specifically the ones made outside of Sweyn’s bed. I genuinely didn’t mind my activities with Sweyn. It was much more enjoyable than my time with Maiya. I’d known my time with her was temporary, I was determined to get the hell out of here—even before I knew the truth on the state of the world. The war with Lilith. I was going to fight on The Coven’s side and bring this whole kingdom of blood down to ashes.

I just needed to stay out of Azazel’s bed.

And stop summoning more fallen angels.