She knew what he really meant by that. Knew that he was plotting to escape his duty. A part of her was appalled by it, while another understood all too well. She waited, wondering whether to say anything or stroke him, or to simply sit. Maybe I should go. It was so hard knowing how to handle him when he was like this. Whatever I do will get twisted. If I am tender he will get angry, if I give him space he will accuse me of neglect.

‘How can I best serve you, my son?’

He tilted his head, curious despite himself. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘It is your duty to serve House Sapphire and it is mine to make sure you are ready. How may I serve you? How can I help you through this?’

‘You really want to help me?’

‘You know I do. Talk to me.’

‘Then tell me, Mother, what do you really feel?’

Tired. Sad. Terribly sad. Afraid that the Wild has made you unsuitable to house Lord Rochant’s soul and all of this suffering will have been for nothing. ‘I feel proud that you are giving so much to us, and relief that our house will soon have Lord Rochant back again.’

His face twisted with distaste. ‘I don’t believe you.’

‘Then I feel sorry for you. I have a lot of feelings right now, Satyendra, too many for me to put into words. But I am proud of you, please believe that.’

‘What will you do when I am dead?’

The words struck her like a blow but she did not flinch from them. Whatever I am suffering it is a thousand times worse for him. I must be a role model. I must show him how to bear that suffering. ‘When Lord Rochant returns I will continue to serve him and House Sapphire in any way I can.’

‘You don’t think they’ll get rid of you, then? After all, you won’t be needed to look after me or the castle when Lord Rochant is back. You’ll be,’ he gave an impish shrug, ‘irrelevant.’

Instead of needling her, the suggestion stirred her fantasy. If House Sapphire didn’t need her, she’d be free. ‘That will be for my lord to decide.’