Fifth Soldier Shut up!

Corporal Stand up slowly. Put your hands behind your head. If you do not we will have to open fire.

Chichester (does so, speaking in Bertie Wooster) Don’t twist your knickers, Corporal. I’m touring Ireland for my hols. To have a look at the Celtic crosses and the Guinness.

Fourth Soldier He does – ah – sound British, Corporal.

Corporal Are you? British?

Chichester (in immaculate Belfast) I take that badly, coming from a British Soldier. Who’s walking all over my country, like he did God Almighty’s job and made it.

Fifth Soldier Sounds fucking West Belfast to me –

Corporal Shut up. (To Chichester:) Right. Who are you, where do you live and what is your business here?

Chichester (in immaculate Dublin) I am the Bishop of Dublin. Smuggling the sacred relic of St Patrick’s foreskin, over the border for Ian Paisley to suck on.

Fourth Soldier He’s a joker. (He laughs.)

Corporal I’m sick of fucking jokers in this country. Search him –

Chichester Stay where you are!

They hesitate at Chichester’s tone.

Get me an officer. Now.

Corporal Search the bugger!

Fifth Soldier Down! On your face! Hands behind your back!

Chichester makes a kiss to the First Soldier, who hits him in his stomach. Chichester doubles up and goes down.

Chichester Not – clever – get an officer –

Fourth Soldier SHUT UP!

The Second Soldier kicks Chichester who rolls to protect himself.

Chichester You silly buggers – (He laughs.)

Fifth Soldier Want more do you, Bishop –

Corporal Just search him. (To the other Soldiers:) And you lot. I want every little Irish worm in this field shitting up his little worm hole.

Chichester (weeping) Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Can I have a British Army Soldier to play with at Christmas?

He laughs. Beyond himself, the Fifth Soldier pulls Chichester’s head up by the hair.

Fifth Soldier Shut up! Shut up!

Corporal Stop that!

Fifth Soldier He is annoying me!

Chichester (calmly) Just tell an officer to pop along old chap.

Corporal I said let go his hair!

The Fifth Soldier does so.

Go over him, carefully. (To the other Soldiers:) All of you! Be careful! Keep your eyes open! (Into a two-way radio:) Red Bravo. Red Bravo. We have a suspect.

The Fourth Soldier finds a pistol in Chichester’s clothes.

Fourth Soldier A pistol, Corporal.

Corporal Oh yes? (The Corporal takes it.) Czechoslovakian

Chichester Funny little souvenirs a tourist picks up in Ireland.

Fifth Soldier Be quiet!

Fourth Soldier Drink on his breath. And not breakfast time yet –

The Fourth Soldier hands the Corporal the hip flask.

Corporal This kind of thing makes me nervous. Why isn’t anything straight in this fucking country?

Lieutenant Bob Maitland, walks down from the back of the field quickly.

Maitland What is it, Corporal?

Corporal A suspect, Sir. Armed.

He gives Maitland the pistol.

Maitland Czechoslovakian.

Chichester Is that an officer?

Fifth Soldier Keep your face on the ground.

The Corporal hands Maitland the flask.