I guess out of everything, I owe him that much. He made me believe it was possible.

I burn my tongue on my fast sip of coffee. “Right.” I wince. “The restaurant isn’t doing great.” My voice lowers to a whisper; admitting this to Paul feels like a betrayal. The type of thing Amy will twist her mouth at when she finds out, a crease forming between her eyes as she tries to remain cool and calm but fails. My chest clenches, but it’s too late to shove the words back inside my mouth.

Paul moves straight into business mode. “When you first signed on you said that things were going well.”

Paul frowns as he leans forward, his “thinking” position. His seriousness was one of the things I fell hard and fast for. Who am I kidding? Falling hard and fast is about the only thing I do.

Technically, relationships between the cast and crew were prohibited on the show. But everyone did it. And after meeting other reality TV cast members from other shows, I realized our show was the rule, not the exception. At least I wasn’t on a dating show, where I was supposed to be falling in love with someone else when I fell in love with Paul. But between clandestine meetings and the weighted stares on set when we thought no one was looking, we were a sure thing before the first episode aired. I didn’t want to trust it at first, convinced he struck up a relationship with a new cast member every season. But after some furious googling and after seeing his own sweet nervousness, I felt assured that our relationship was as extraordinary to him as it was to me.

He produced and consulted for Pop-Up Kitchen, having successfully started restaurants throughout New England over the past decade. His presence and tightly held control intimidated me at first, but in the long hours on set between filming, setting up lights, touching up makeup, and waiting for the asshole host to finish whatever hissy fit he was having that day, Paul was surprisingly funny, making corny jokes that only I ever seemed to laugh at. He made a point to be kind to everyone on set. I thought my crush was unrequited until we walked back to the hotel together after a late night of filming. I’d almost been kicked off that night. Paul had admitted, his voice shaking, that he wasn’t supposed to have favorites, but he was so glad I was staying. He’d kissed me at my hotel room door.

I’d invited him in.

He’d said no. Our relationship had always been like that: me pushing the pace, him reining us in. Part of it was the show. He was a constant, steady and kind, and it felt like he was the only person who didn’t have it out for me. But part of it is just me. I fall headfirst, eyes closed. I practically leap into love with arms wide.