She shook her head. “I don’t know why. I didn’t really think of him as abusive. At least not then. To me, abuse was when you had bruises and broken bones, not just a broken heart.” She looked at me. “I don’t know. I guess you just have to go through it to understand. When people are in abusive situations, they measure things in contrasts. As much as Sam hurt me, leaving him would be even more painful. Besides, part of me always felt that I deserved to be treated poorly. It’s what I knew. I was always trying to earn somebody’s love.

“The thing is, I knew he would win. I knew, in the end, I would have to do what he said.

“I spent the next few days talking myself into it—telling myself what a good idea it was to have a baby and how great it would be to have a family. Or I’d tell myself, maybe once the baby came I’d feel differently, or what if I couldn’t even get pregnant and all this pain was for nothing? I finally decided that giving in would be my birthday present to him.

“I knew that it was wrong—that I wasn’t even close to being ready to be a mother. But there was nowhere else to go.

“On Sam’s birthday I got up and made him breakfast and brought it out on a tray. Underneath his coffee cup I put a note that said, ‘YES.’

“He looked up at me with this triumphant smile and said, ‘Then let’s get started.’”

Pamela was shaking her head. “Of course I got pregnant right away with McKale. I don’t get it. People pray and beg God for a baby and never have one, and here I am hoping I won’t get pregnant and I’m pregnant immediately.

“I was terrified. Sam just kept telling me that everything would be fine—that being a mother was a natural part of womanhood.” Pamela grimaced. “As if he knew anything about being a woman.” She looked into my eyes. “No matter what they say, it’s not always a natural thing—at least not for everyone. After she was born I remember sitting in bed holding this beautiful little baby and thinking that I was supposed to be feeling something magical and wondering what was wrong with me. I never should have had a baby until I was ready. It wasn’t fair to McKale. It wasn’t fair to me.”

Pamela wiped her eyes. “I felt insanely guilty that I didn’t connect with her. Truthfully, I resented her. And I hated myself for resenting her.