ROSS: Well, I’d… er… like to help but I’d… er… arranged to, er…
SIMMONDS: To what?
ROSS: I’ve… er… got something on.
KATE: [not meaning it] Oh, we don’t want to interfere with the constable’s arrangements, Sergeant.
ROSS: [blurting it out] I wouldn’t mind normally, but it’s me girlfriend’s firm’s night out. We’re on the same table as the General Manager.
SIMMONDS: [wearily] Ross.
ROSS: [quickly] I wouldn’t mind normally but Marilyn, me girlfriend’s, getting her hair set and I’ve paid a deposit on the tickets.
SIMMONDS: [wearily] Ross. One of the first things you’ve got to learn—
KATE: [falsely] We don’t want to mess up the constable’s arrangements.
SIMMONDS: [to KATE] He’s got to learn that the force is not a nine-to-five job, Mrs Mason.
He turns to ROSS and tries to make him aware of the sexual possibilities in the arrangement.
Some of our most interesting work is done after hours, Ross. I’m afraid you’re going to have to disappoint your young friend.
ROSS: [thinking] Will we get paid overtime?
SIMMONDS: [wearily] Yes, Ross. We will.
ROSS: [more cheerful] Might be all right, then. She won’t be as shitty if she knows I’m getting paid. [To the women] We’re saving for the deposit on a house.
KATE: [with a false smile] How nice.
SIMMONDS: Well, ladies. That’s it, then, until tonight.
KATE: We appreciate this very much, Sergeant.
SIMMONDS: [shepherding them to the door, an arm around each] Glad to be of help.
KATE: Until tonight, then.
SIMMONDS: Until tonight.
FIONA: [fairly flatly] Thank you, Sergeant.
SIMMONDS: Glad to be of help.
The women go. SIMMONDS looks at ROSS.
You stupid bloody nong, Ross.
ROSS: [confused] What’ve I done?
SIMMONDS: You stupid great arse. You nearly ballsed that. We’ll be in like Flynn there tomorrow night. We’ll thread the eye of the old golden doughnut—no worries.
ROSS: [agape] Do you think…?
SIMMONDS: Do I think? All I can say, Ross, is that you better start conserving your energy right now. I’m having the dentist’s wife. Snooty bitch, but she goes for it. No worries.
ROSS: [gravely] Gee. I hope Marilyn doesn’t find out.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
If an intermission is required it can be taken here. If not, slides of the family life of ROSS and FIONA can be shown. ROSS with his proud family in his uniform, ROSS with Marilyn at last year’s company ball. FIONA with KENNY and the babies, KATE holding Fiona’s baby, etc., as the scene is now Kenny’s and Fiona’s flat. The time is six-thirty that evening. FIONA is ironing in preparation for the shift. A large stack of cardboard boxes, in which she will pack small articles, are nearby. There is a bash on the door and KENNY comes in, singing boisterously, carrying half a dozen beer bottles under his arm. FIONA looks up in alarm. KENNY goes to her and gives her a long gropey kiss, which he evidently enjoys more than she does.
FIONA: [edgy] What are you doing home?