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“An elliptical, funny, dark, strangely moving new play . . . The Realistic Joneses suggests that change, which means getting older, comes fast and, when manifest, is like being on a runaway train with someone you might now not know.”

—CHRIS JONES, Chicago Tribune

“The wizardry of Eno’s craft is that, as surrealistic as this world may seem, and as awkwardly funny as the action is, theater goers most certainly identify with these characters’ loneliness . . . The Realistic Joneses may be the most singular work I’ve seen in some time.”

—E. KYLE MINOR, New Haven Register

“The Realistic Joneses is thrilling to watch for Mr. Eno’s way with dialogue, which eludes and embraces a rhythmic and humane weirdness . . . In his hands, awkwardness feels not just uncomfortable but dramatically vital. His recognition of the frailty of language—his delight in the drama of subtext, the real mode of twenty-first-century communication—creates space for the audience to interpret what they are seeing.”

—Economist

“The Realistic Joneses makes stinging, sometimes wistful observations about the challenges we face as individuals and in relationships . . . Using the intriguingly offbeat dialogue that is his hallmark, Eno draws his four characters to each other in ways that movingly emphasize the ultimate commonality of the human condition.”

—ELYSA GARDNER, USA Today

“Indescribably brilliant . . . Something tells me that this odd, wonderful play is going to have a very long life, and that those who see the world premiere will gain bragging rights about being in on the ground floor of the creation of a modern American classic.”

—JOE MEYERS, Connecticut Post

“Very funny . . . This play worms its way into the psyche. Eno subtly imprints on our consciousness not just a general awareness of our mortality but of the way dread pervades our daily routines, and how it instills in us a need for other people.”

—DON AUCOIN, Boston Globe

“Eno is a master who has a unique voice of his generation of playwrights . . . a fascinating word fest that dazzles in the language of absurdist theater.”

—FRANK RIZZO, Hartford Courant

“A thoughtful play that resonates with thematic richness and feeling . . . Questions of mortality, solitude, love, loss, humanity and the universe surface in sneaky ways that catch you off-guard in Eno’s writing. What might sound to the casual listener like off-the-cuff glibness artfully veils an emotional depth of charge.”

—DAVID ROONEY, Hollywood Reporter

BOOKS BY WILL ENO

AVAILABLE FROM TCG

The Flu Season and Other Plays

ALSO INCLUDES:

Intermission

Tragedy: a tragedy

Gnit

Middletown

The Open House

The Realistic Joneses

Thom Pain (based on nothing)

Title and Deed/Oh, the Humanity and other good intentions

Title Page

Dedication

To Tracy Letts

Acknowledgments

Acknowledgments

With thanks to: Mark Barton, William Berlind, Amy Boratko, Maggie Brohn, James Bundy, Ty Burrell, Toni Collette, Michael Crea, Johanna Day, Glenn Fitzgerald, Susan Gallin, Sam Gold, Michael C. Hall, Jennifer Kiger, Tracy Letts, Stacey Mindich, Victoria Nolan, Christopher Pineda, Parker Posey, Jeffrey Richards, Mary Lu Roffe, Andy Sandberg, Anne Seiwerath, Catherine Sheehy, Mark Subias, Daniel Swee, Marisa Tomei, Steve Traxler, Will Trice, Rachel Viola and David Zinn.

Production History

PRODUCTION HISTORY

The Realistic Joneses received its world premiere on April 20, 2012 at Yale Repertory Theatre (James Bundy, Artistic Director; Victoria Nolan, Managing Director) in New Haven, Connecticut. It was directed by Sam Gold; the set design and costume design were by David Zinn, the lighting design was by Mark Barton, the sound design was by Ken Goodwin; the production stage manager was Jenna Woods. The cast was:

The Realistic Joneses opened on Broadway on April 6, 2014 at the Lyceum Theatre. It was directed by Sam Gold; the set design was by David Zinn, the costume design was by Kaye Voyce, the lighting design was by Mark Barton, the sound design was by Leon Rothenberg; the production stage manager was Jill Cordle. The cast was:

Characters

CHARACTERS

BOB JONES, male, 40s

JENNIFER JONES, female, 40s

JOHN JONES, male, late 30s–40s

PONY JONES, female, late 30s–40s

SETTING

The play takes place in the present, in a regular and semi-rural town, not far from some mountains. The particular settings are:

The porch and backyard of Jennifer and Bob’s house.

A grocery store.

The kitchen of Pony and John’s house.

The backyard of Pony and John’s house.

NOTE ON THE TEXT

Run-on sentences punctuated with commas are meant to represent speech as it’s generally spoken. These may look ungrammatical but are entirely consistent with the way contemporary speech is generally spoken. There shouldn’t be too many pauses or too much effort shown in changing the direction of the line, within the line, unless indicated.

Scene 1

Scene 1

Porch and backyard of Jennifer and Bob’s modest house, late spring, late night. Silhouette of mountains in the background. Jennifer and Bob are seated at a picnic table, drinking water and tea. Bob looks as if he’s trying to remember something. All is calm. An owl hoots, in the distance.

JENNIFER: I love that sound. (Brief pause) When was the last time we painted the house?

BOB: I don’t know. It’s probably years.

JENNIFER: Maybe we should do it over the summer.

BOB: Then wouldn’t we just have to do it again?

JENNIFER: Isn’t that what people do?

BOB: I guess.

JENNIFER: It’s not some crazy theory. People paint their houses.

BOB: So then we’ll paint the house.

JENNIFER: I think that’d be good. (Brief pause) It’s going to be okay.

BOB: No, I know.

JENNIFER: You don’t act like it. (Brief pause) It’s such a pretty night. It’s so quiet. You can almost hear the clouds go by.

BOB: Almost. (Brief pause) Remember the night I was, um—(He feels a small sharp pain) Auughh. (He makes a quick adjustment to the way he’s sitting) That’s better.

JENNIFER: Are you okay?

BOB: I was just sitting funny.

JENNIFER: I didn’t think it was funny.

(Bob smiles. He glances at his watch. Brief pause.)

What night? Remember which night?

BOB: Oh, right. (He tries to remember) Nope. Totally gone.

JENNIFER: Clouds, beautiful nights?

BOB: Yeah, I know. (Tries again) Yeah, sorry. All gone.

JENNIFER: You’ve been doing that.

BOB: There hasn’t been a lot of memorable stuff going on.

JENNIFER: Oh, is that it?

BOB (Takes a sip of water): This glass tastes terrible.

JENNIFER: It’s been sitting. (Pause) Do you want to talk?

BOB: What was just the whole thing about painting the house? And the other night about Belgium?

JENNIFER: That was two very short conversations. I don’t have some particular, I’m not . . . it just seems like we don’t talk.

BOB: What are we doing right now? Math?

JENNIFER: No, we’re— I don’t know— sort of throwing words at each other.

BOB: What? Come on, throwing . . . I thought we were just sitting here. But, fine, let’s talk.

JENNIFER: Good. (Brief pause) What’s the thing you’re most, or just, what’s your biggest fear?

BOB: My biggest? Like I have so many, they have to be ranked?

JENNIFER: I’m asking if there’s something you’re worried about.

BOB (Sharply): I was just sitting here, you know, and now we’re suddenly getting—

JENNIFER (Interrupting): We’re not suddenly anything. It’s fine, we can just sit. (Gently) It really is a beautiful night. It’s like that night when we— (She is interrupted by the crash of metal garbage cans, offstage) What was that?

BOB: Skunk. Maybe a raccoon.

JENNIFER: Should we look?

BOB: Yeah, but wait.

(They both listen. A shared but very subtle moment of excitement. She puts her hand on his.)

JENNIFER (Quietly): The unknown.

BOB (Agreeing quietly): I know.

(Some muffled offstage voices. John enters, finishing a conversation with Pony. He’s holding a wrapped bottle of wine.)

JOHN: . . . but, yeah, it was definitely much more powerful when I was a kid. (To Jennifer and Bob) Hey, hi. Sorry. We heard you talking back here.

PONY: Very softly.

JOHN: Yeah. Sorry about the, um— that was your garbage cans. They almost had me. We just wanted to say hi. We brought you a little— well, I think it’s obvious.

JENNIFER: Wow, thank you. Hi.

PONY: Hi. We’re Pony and John. You must be the Joneses. It’s on your mailbox. We’re Joneses, too. We’re renting the house at the end of the road with the blue shutters and the—

JOHN (Interrupting): It’s like two-hundred feet from here. It’s right over there.

BOB: Sure, we know that house. Someone else used to live there.

JOHN: Wow. Who knew the place had such an interesting history.

PONY: Look at these salt and pepper shakers. Cute.

BOB (Picking one up): These were made at a factory.

JENNIFER: Bob is filled with fun facts like that. (To Pony and John) Can you sit down?

JOHN: I practically invented sitting down. Actually, that’s not true.

(Pony and John sit.)

PONY: It’s so nice here. Our old town was built right on top of this huge leak of dry-cleaning chemicals.

JOHN: The leak happened later. I don’t think they built the town on top of the leak.

PONY: Well, whichever— I think I was allergic. I’m just glad we’re gone.

JENNIFER: How’d you end up deciding on here?

PONY: I always wanted to live in one of these little towns near the mountains. So, one night, he comes home and literally just says, literally . . . I forget what you said exactly.

JOHN: Just, something about moving to one of these little towns near the mountains.

PONY: That was it. It was all sort of a whirlwind.

JOHN: The time had come. (Noticing a tiny white particle on Pony’s sweater, he gently removes it, while speaking) It’s what my lady wanted. And what my lady wants, with some huge and basic exceptions, my lady gets. (To Pony) Styrofoam.

PONY: It’s from that box. (To Jennifer) You must really like it, here. (To John) Is it still there?

JENNIFER: We do.

JOHN: I bet. (To Pony, referring to Styrofoam) No. All gone.

BOB: Moving is a pain.

JOHN: It is. Well said. Staying still is no picnic, either.

BOB: No.

JENNIFER: But here you are. I’m Jennifer, by the way.

PONY: My mom’s name was Jennifer. Hi.

JENNIFER: Pony is a wonderful name.

PONY: My dad thought it up.

BOB: Well, it was already a word.

PONY: Yeah, but it didn’t mean me. He said my arms and legs looked too long and weak. He’s, um, he— (She subtly and kind of lazily makes a throat-slitting gesture)

JENNIFER: He was murdered?

PONY: No. God, no. But, thank you. (Checking her sweater for bits of Styrofoam. To John) Is there any more? I got inside the big box our TV was in. I was calling out, “I’m in the secret room.”

JOHN: I started thinking, “Wow, this place has a secret room?” Then I heard you laughing. The whole box started shaking.

PONY: Then he tried climbing in with me.

JOHN: We were really laughing. (Brief pause) Yeah, that’s it, that’s the end of the story. Now you say something.

JENNIFER: Oh, okay. Let’s see.

BOB: Bob.

PONY: What?

BOB: Did I say that before?

JENNIFER: His name is Bob. That sounds like a nice first day.

PONY: It was really good.

JOHN: We try to enjoy ourselves.

PONY: I’m sorry, can I use your bathroom?

JENNIFER: Sure. It’s down the hall, on the left.

PONY: Thanks. (She exits)

BOB (Pause. To Jennifer, as if to say, “I’m not going to start the conversation”): Don’t look at me.

JOHN: Yeah, don’t look at him. No, I’m kidding— you can look at him. (Looks around the yard and then up at the sky) Do you guys know any of the constellations?

JENNIFER: I used to know some. Orion?

JOHN: Oh, yeah— where’s that one?

JENNIFER: I just remember the name.

JOHN: Well, it’s probably up there somewhere. (Brief pause) This is weird, sorry, but, do you have another bathroom?

JENNIFER: Ah, we do, actually. It’s in the basement, bottom of the stairs.

JOHN: Don’t get up. Bottom of the stairs. I’ll find it. Thanks. Sorry. (He exits)

BOB (Long still pause): Orion means “the bear.”

JENNIFER: Isn’t that Ursa? Ursa Major, the big bear?

BOB (Looking toward the house): What are they doing in there?

JENNIFER: I would guess it’s probably one of two things. It’ll be nice to have someone over there.

BOB: I liked when it was empty.

JENNIFER: Yeah, that was a lot of fun, too.

PONY (Pause. Enters): Hi, sorry. Where did— did John leave? Oh, no. Did he go?

JENNIFER: No, he’s using the other bathroom. You think he would just leave?

PONY (Sits down, next to Bob): No, of course not. I like that flower poster you have.

JENNIFER: Oh, in the bathroom, the print?

BOB: I used to stare at it when I was in there.

JENNIFER: And you don’t anymore?

BOB: I probably still do. I think I used to generally stare more. These days, you know— no time. (He picks a piece of lint off Pony’s sweater) Another piece.

PONY: I think John got it all.

JENNIFER: Yeah, Bob, maybe you should not touch our guests.

JOHN (Enters): Whoa, what did I miss?

BOB: No, she had some . . . you didn’t miss anything.

PONY (To John): We left them all alone out here.

JOHN (To Jennifer): Oh, my God— are you all right?

JENNIFER (Amused): I’m fine.

BOB (Perhaps feeling ganged up on): What’s this, all of a sudden?

JOHN: That’s exactly what I’m always saying. It should be on my gravestone. Or maybe just my name and dates, I don’t know. (To Bob) We’re not so different, you and me.

BOB: I think we’re probably very different.

JOHN: Yeah, me too, actually.

JENNIFER (She begins unwrapping the wine bottle. To Bob): Do you want to get some glasses?

BOB: I was kind of sitting, but—

JENNIFER (Interrupting): I’ll go.

BOB: No, I’ll go. (He exits)

JENNIFER: This looks good.

PONY: It’s from Europe.

JOHN: Just outside Europe. (Very brief pause) There was free iced tea where we had dinner.

JENNIFER: Do you want something different to drink?

JOHN: I was explaining the bathroom.

PONY: We probably drank a gallon each. I hope it doesn’t keep me up.

JOHN: It’s not the worst night for insomnia.

PONY: I hate insomnia. I don’t even like saying it.

JOHN: You’ll sleep. It’s a pretty night is all I meant.

JENNIFER: I was just saying that to Bob. (A quieter voice) He’s, um, the last few months, he’s ill. So we’re just kind of laying low and trying to figure that out.

PONY: What’s there to figure out?

JENNIFER: Well, plenty, actually. They keep changing the treatment and the drugs. But you have a point.

PONY: What does he, I mean, is it contagious?

JENNIFER: It’s most likely congenital. It’s very rare.

PONY: So, I’m sorry, so it’s not?

JENNIFER: No. They don’t know much about it. There’s a chance it’s more popular. I mean, common.

PONY: I hope he’s, wow, yeah—

JENNIFER: Well, we do too— thank you. One of the best doctors for his thing is right here in town. Actually, the best.

JOHN: Yeah?

JENNIFER: And there’s a patient of his, Elliot, and I talk with him and his wife to get a sense of how the disease, just, how it goes from month to month. It’s interesting, he’s an albino, Elliot, which I always thought was interesting. But it’s, um, it’s hard, it’s really . . . yeah.

PONY: Say no more.

JENNIFER: Have you had experience with something like this?

PONY: I just didn’t want you to say any more.

JENNIFER: No, of course— Bob doesn’t like talking about it, either. In fact, we kind of distinctly never do.

JOHN: Then let’s do that.

JENNIFER: I’m sorry. I just kind of blurted all that out.

JOHN: That’s all right. That’s what separates us from the animal. You never hear animals blurting things out. Unless they’re being run over by a car or something.

(Bob enters, with a glass of water and no wine glasses.)

JENNIFER: Did you bring the . . . (Bob turns and exits)

PONY (To John): That’s like you.

JOHN: Sometimes, I forget stuff. On the other hand, sometimes I remember stuff.

JENNIFER: So, wow— you can do it all. (John smiles) We had a leak in the roof, almost a year ago, and everything is still kind of musty. So we like to sit out here.

JOHN: Nothing wrong with any of that.

PONY (Picking up a CD audiobook from the table): Is this any good? “Every House Is a Halfway House.”

JENNIFER: It’s supposed to be a memoir. We never listened. Those are from, Bob had trouble with his vision, a few months ago. I mean, he couldn’t see. I got some audiobooks, because I thought it’d be nice to listen to a story, but then he just got better.

PONY: Does he work with, like, insulation and heating stuff?

JENNIFER: No. Why?

PONY: Because John just had that, for a few days.

JOHN: Guilty. Actually, guilty’s not what I mean— I just couldn’t see anything.

PONY: It turned out it was from this material they used to use inside wood stoves.

JENNIFER: Really? No, this was nothing like that. It was called cortical blindness, and it comes from high blood pressure. Bob thought it was from a dinner I made. So now he’s never eating artichokes again. It’s scary, though. Losing your eyesight. I mean, I imagine.

JOHN: Yeah. It’s highly personal, going blind.

PONY: It was only a few days. Thank God.

JOHN (Picking up the audiobook): I found this company that’ll send you the transcript of any audiobook.

JENNIFER (Brief pause): Wouldn’t that just be the book?

JOHN: You know what, you’re right. That would just be the book.

PONY (To John): Afterward, remember? (To Jennifer) He went into kind of a thing.

JENNIFER: What do you mean?

JOHN: I guess I was trying to—

PONY (Interrupting): Just, he wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep. You were really weird.

JENNIFER: Well, you were probably pretty shaken up. (Bob returns with wine glasses)

JOHN: I probably was.

PONY: Then he went down to the ocean. (To John) You said you wanted to be near something really vast.

JENNIFER: Vast.

PONY: That was his exact words. (Brief pause) I wasn’t very supportive. I’m just not, I mean, that whole stuff . . . luckily we had a good neighbor.

JOHN: No, come on, you were great.

JENNIFER: What whole stuff?

JOHN: People getting moody and going blind. It’s just not really her thing. (To Pony) Not your thang.

PONY (To John): It really isn’t my thang. (Brief pause) When you took that trip, I thought you were leaving me. I thought he was leaving.

JOHN: But I wasn’t. Or, I was, and I didn’t do a very good job at it. (Brief pause. To Bob) The topic is: things that have happened.

BOB: I can see wanting to go down by the ocean.

JENNIFER: You don’t even know what we’re talking about.

BOB: Well, whatever you’re talking about, I can see wanting to go down to the ocean. Being near something vast.

JOHN: See? He knows.

BOB: Where’d you go, exactly?

JOHN: I guess about a week and half.

BOB: I said, where.

PONY: The ocean. It seemed like a year. When you got back is when we started talking about moving.

JENNIFER: Pony, what do you do?

PONY: I have a greeting card business? It’s mostly online, so I can do it from anywhere. I could also not do it from anywhere, and, that’d be fine, too. But it’s good, it pays some bills.

JOHN (Very brief pause. To Pony): I think she meant, like, hobbies.

JENNIFER: No, that’s what I was asking. And how about you?

JOHN: For work? Space program. Astronaut.

JENNIFER: You’re kidding. That’s amazing.

JOHN: Well, I use the term loosely.

JENNIFER: I didn’t know the term could be used loosely. But still.

JOHN: I know. Still.

PONY: I never know what he’s talking about. Say one of your things.

JOHN (Very brief pause): Oh, this is a good one. So, if you take the letters from the words “The United States of America,” and you scramble them all up, it doesn’t spell anything. It’s just gobbledygook, total nonsense.

PONY: See?

BOB: So don’t scramble them up.

JOHN: Actually, that’s not a bad idea.

BOB: She asked what you do for work.

JOHN: Heating and air-conditioning.

JENNIFER: Oh, nice.

JOHN: I got some part-time work and I’m going to try to pick up some jobs on the side. What about yourself?

JENNIFER: Well, a job is a job.

JOHN: Wrong! No, you’re right.

JENNIFER: Okay. But, so, anyway, I do bookkeeping for a couple of businesses in town. And Bob works for the Department of Transportation. He does all the ordering, like for paint and signposts. Don’t you, Bob?

BOB (Brief pause): What do you want me to say?

JENNIFER: How about, “Yes.”

BOB: Yes.

PONY: It’s funny, all that paint on the road—I never thought about who orders it. Do they ever use something other than yellow for the lines in the middle?

BOB: No, but, actually, do you know why those lines are always yellow?

PONY: No, why?

BOB: I think somebody just picked it a long time ago.

PONY: Oh.

JOHN: It’s exciting to get the inside story.

PONY (To Bob): You seem fine.

BOB: You too.

PONY (Stands, looking around the yard): Does the yard go all the way around?

BOB: It just goes back around there a little. You should do modeling. (Brief pause, as Jennifer and John look at Bob) No, I mean, just, everyone should. Everyone should do modeling. (Brief pause) I’m on leave, right now. Taking some time off.

JENNIFER: We used to never see each other, we were both so busy. I used to never be able to hear who Bob thought should do modeling.

PONY (Brief pause): John, look. (She shows him her hand. A tiny, practically invisible bruise)

JOHN: It looks better.

PONY: I closed a drawer on my thumb.

BOB: Ouch.

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