Neil thought about his conversation with Kevin a few weeks ago. "What about Exy?"

"Now you sound like Kevin." Nicky rubbed at his temples like he was warding off a headache. "Exy isn't an option here, okay? You can love Exy all you want, but it's never gonna love you back."

Neil should let it go, but the challenge was out before he could stop it. "So?"

"Oh my God." Nicky looked torn between horror and pity. "Seriously? That might be the saddest thing I've ever heard."

Neil should have just kept his mouth shut. "I need to study."

"Don't you dare." Nicky snatched his math pamphlet off the desk and dropped it on the ground by his chair. "Listen up. There's obsession and there's dysfunction. You can't make Exy your end-all be-all. This won't last forever, okay? You'll shine bright, then you'll retire, and then what? You gonna spend the rest of your life at home alone with all your trophies?"
"Leave it," Neil said.

Maybe Nicky heard the quiet warning in Neil's voice, because he gentled his tone. "You can't be just this, Neil. This isn't enough to live for. I could take you down to Columbia sometime, just the two of us, and have Roland introduce you around. He's got a lot of great friends. At this point I won't even care if it's a girl so long as you—"

"Why don't you like girls?"

Nicky looked startled by the interruption, but he rallied quickly and made a face. "They're so soft."

Neil thought about Renee's bruised knuckles, Dan's fierce spirit, and Allison holding her ground on the court a week after Seth's death. He thought about his mother standing unflinching in the face of his father's violent anger and her ruthlessly leaving bodies in their wake. He felt compelled to say, "Some of the strongest people I've known are women."

"What? Oh, no," Nicky hurried to say. "I mean literally soft. Too many curves, see? I feel like my hands would slide right off. It's totally not my thing. I like…" He drew a box with his fingers as he searched for words. "Erik. Erik's perfect. He's a total outdoors junkie, rock climbing and hiking and mountain biking, all that awful bug-infested fresh-air stuff. But oh my god, you should see what it does to his body. He's like this, all hard edges." He drew another box. "He's stronger than I am, and I like that. I feel like I could lean on him all day and he wouldn't break a sweat."

Nicky's smile was slow and pleased as he thought about his long-distance boyfriend. It was a more reserved expression than Neil usually saw on his face. It made Neil wonder if Nicky was naturally loud or if he exaggerated his outgoing nature to balance his unfriendly cousins.

"Funny," Nicky said. "That didn't used to be my type. None of the others I crushed on growing up were anything like that. Maybe that's why none of them could help me."