JACK: (irritably): Oh! That is not the point. We are not discussing teacakes. (Crosses.) Algy! you are perfectly maddening. You never can stick to the point in any conversation.

ALGERNON (slowly): No: it always hurts me.

JACK: Good heavens! What affectation! I loathe affectation.

ALGERNON: Well, my dear fellow, if you don’t like affectation, I really don’t see what you can like. Besides, it isn’t affectation. The point always does hurt me, and I hate physical pain, of any kind.

JACK (glares at ALGERNON: walks up and down stage. Finally comes up to table): Algy! I have already told you to go. I don’t want you here. Why don’t you go?

ALGERNON: I haven’t quite finished my tea yet. And there is still one muffin left. (Takes the last muffin.)

JACK groans and sinks down in a chair and buries his face in his hands.

ACT DROP

ACT FOUR

SCENE: The same. JACK and ALGERNON discovered in the same position as at the close of Act THREE. Enter behind, GWENDOLEN and CECILY.

GWENDOLEN: The fact that they did not follow us at once into the garden, as any one else would have done, seems to me to show that they have some sense of shame left.

CECILY: They have been eating muffins. That looks like repentance.

GWENDOLEN (after a pause): They don’t seem to notice us at all. Couldn’t you cough?

CECILY: But I haven’t got a cough.

GWENDOLEN: They’re looking at us. What effrontery!

CECILY: They’re approaching. That’s very forward of them.

GWENDOLEN: Let us preserve a dignified silence.

CECILY: Certainly. It’s the only thing to do now.

JACK and ALGERNON whistle some dreadful popular air from a British Opera.

GWENDOLEN: This dignified silence seems to produce an unpleasant effect.

CECILY: A most distasteful one.

GWENDOLEN: But we will not be the first to speak.

CECILY: Certainly not.

GWENDOLEN: Mr. Worthing, I have something very particular to ask you. Much depends on your reply.

CECILY: Gwendolen, your common sense is invaluable. Mr. Moncrieff, kindly answer me the following question. Why did you pretend to be my guardian’s brother?

ALGERNON: In order that I might have an opportunity of meeting you.

CECILY (to GWENDOLEN): That certainly seems a satisfactory explanation, does it not?

GWENDOLEN: Yes, dear, if you can believe him.

CECILY: I don’t. But that – does not affect the wonderful beauty of his answer.

GWENDOLEN: True. In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing. Mr. Worthing, what explanation can you offer to me for pretending to have a brother? Was it in order that you might have an opportunity of coming up to town to see me as often as possible?

JACK: Can you doubt it, Miss Fairfax?

GWENDOLEN: I have the greatest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism. (Moving to CECILY.) Their explanations appear to be quite satisfactory, especially Mr. Worthing’s. That seems to me to have the stamp of truth upon it.