It took only a minute to wipe down the guns and stick one in the right hand of each of the dead men in the room. I pulled the trigger with the gun in the hand of each man and didn’t really care where the bullet went. It was all part of the story I had planned.

I stepped back to make sure everything looked just the way I wanted it to. The bodies were well separated, and the police measurements would show that the bullets had traveled about the right distance. I went to the nearest bathroom and, using the back of my hand to avoid leaving fingerprints, double-flushed the gloves. Perfect.

I strolled through the house and started to climb the stairs, then dialed 911 on my cell phone, and as soon as the operator answered, I screamed, “They’re shooting each other, they’re shooting each other, what should I do?” Then I threw in a convincing cry.

The operator, keeping calm like they’re trained to, said, “Ma’am, ma’am, where are you? What’s the address?”

I continued to climb the stairs. Through a series of sobs I gave her the address. And told her, “He’s crazy and he has a gun.”

The operator said, “Where are you in the house? Are you safe?”

I gave her a good moan and said, “I’m hiding upstairs in a closet. Think I’m safe for now.”

The operator said, “Stay there. Help is on the way.”

When the cops found me in the closet, they would see that I’d been crying. What they wouldn’t understand was that they were tears of joy. I had just gotten my house back by winning a game. This game was called let’s play make-believe that I can get away with the murder of my husband.

Nooners

James Patterson
with Tim Arnold

Chapter 1

“So, Tim, how would you describe yourself in a single sentence?”

Friday lunch, and I was sitting across the table from Linda Kaplan, the president of one of the most successful advertising agencies in New York, Kaplan-Thaler. She’s in her mid-fifties, attractive, and exudes the confidence of well-deserved success.

I’m your typical New York adman, Madison Avenue through and through, but after a second stint at Paul Marterelli & Partners, I’d hit a wall. It was time to move on. Past time.

And at this lunch, it’s taking all I’ve got to stay in the moment. A lot of bad, crazy shit has come crashing down around me, and I’m trying to figure out what it all means.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.…

We’re at Soho House, a members-only restaurant, hotel, and spa down on 9th Avenue in the Meatpacking District. Linda Kaplan launched her agency in 1997 with the Herbal Essence shampoo “Yes! Yes! Yes!” campaign—think Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally—and never looked back. Now the agency is part of the Publicis Group, a global organization with the financial means to pay their people well. My headhunter hooked us up because Linda is looking for a co-partner and managing director to assume responsibility for all of the agency’s clients.