Over and over, she got bogged down in the trap of imagining what might be. It wasn’t the first time this had happened. What was it about the middle of the night, anyway, when the house was stone still and the bedroom so dark? Why did nighttime cause her mind to wander and even trick her into thinking the worst thoughts about what Evan might be facing—if he was indeed alive?

Carefully, she moved the blankets and quilt back and rolled silently out of bed, fishing around on the cold floor for her slippers. She didn’t want to awaken Sol, hard as he’d worked today—every day. Going to one of the windows and opening the shade slightly, she let the moonlight in.

She lit the lantern and carried it as she tiptoed downstairs to the second floor, making her way to Evan’s room. Mamm had closed it off after his departure. There, Ellie opened the door and set the lantern on the floor, where she sat on the large rag rug she and Mamm had made. She leaned against the side of the bed, and in the stillness of her brother’s room, she cried for her dear, lost twin.

Mamm said it herself early this morning, Ellie recalled. Evan was lost. At the time, she’d wondered if her mother might’ve been referring to Evan’s spiritual state as well as his physical body. Surely Evan wouldn’t have chosen war if he hadn’t been close friends with Jack Herr, or tangled up in the world, dating Cheryl, spending time at the Herr home. Why else would Evan have pushed aside his plan to be baptized and abandoned that most sacred moment in life?

Ellie fought against the urge to be furious with Jack’s family, especially Cheryl. She’d wanted to be kind, even friendly, when Cheryl came into the store. But now she wept angry yet sorrowful tears, letting them slide down her cheeks.

After a time, she rested her head against the mattress, fatigued as she was. Please, God, keep my precious brother alive, she prayed in the flickering lantern light. Wherever he is.

———

Sometime later, Ellie stirred in her sleep and found she was still sitting there on the rag rug. She couldn’t be sure how long she’d been there, but her right leg was tingling with numbness, so it had been more than a short while.

Slowly, the bedroom door opened, and Sol knelt beside her. “Oh, Ellie, I wondered where you’d gone. I rolled over and found ya missin’, so I went lookin’ for you all over the house.” He wrapped his arms around her, pressing his face against her cheek. “Have ya been cryin’?” He kissed her temple and held her close.

“I s’pose today’s news caught up with me,” she whispered, clinging to him.