Earl Grey tea must be available, with proper semi-skimmed milk – no milk substitute or powder. The tea should be accompanied by a mug, not a cup and saucer. The mug should not be chipped or stained, and should be a standard cylindrical shape: not wider at the top or the bottom.
Sparkling water must also be available, in a full bottle that’s not yet had its seal broken, with a glass that’s made of glass, not plastic. The glass should be a standard cylindrical shape – as wide at the top as at the bottom.
A packet of pickled-onion-flavoured Monster Munch crisps must be provided for Kim. Other than this, food should not be provided unless specifically requested. It should not be assumed that Kim will eat with anyone associated with the event or interview, either beforehand or afterwards.
FOR INTERVIEWS AND GIGS – the proposed venue must always be inside a proper building with a roof and walls, not in a tent or outside.
FOR INTERVIEWS – the proposed interview room must have an armchair with a straight back and arms, and a footstool for use with the armchair.
FOR INTERVIEWS – the interviewer must arrive at precisely the agreed time. To make sure to avoid being late, the interviewer should aim to arrive twenty minutes early and wait near the agreed venue in order to appear punctually. However early the interviewer arrives, he or she must not approach Kim or demand her attention until the agreed time. If the interviewer presents him-or herself to Kim even as little as a minute early or a minute late, the interview will be cancelled.
If overnight accommodation is involved in the arrangement, nothing smaller than a king-sized bed is acceptable. It must also be possible to open a window in the room to outside. Kim must have a room with the best view available from any of the rooms in the hotel. If she arrives at a hotel with (for example) sea views and is allocated a room without a sea view, she will leave immediately and whatever event she has been scheduled to do will be cancelled.
No autographs or photographs are permitted unless pre-arranged.
All autographs will take the form ‘To [insert relevant name], Best wishes, Kim Tribbeck’. For example, Kim will not sign anything ‘To Mum’ for someone else’s mother. She will not write ‘Happy Christmas’ or ‘Happy Birthday’ to people she doesn’t know, and she will not write a message that is compromising, cryptic, undignified, that she doesn’t understand, or that’s none of her business, for example: ‘To Gary, Rebecca will never forgive you for betraying her’ or ‘From one hilarious comedian to another!’ Kim will never agree to put her name to someone else’s words in that way, and, if asked to, she will refuse an autograph altogether.
If permission to take photos has been granted, the photos must be action shots – mid-interview or mid-gig. Kim is too busy to devote separate time to being photographed.
If permission to take photos has been granted, the photographer mustn’t ask questions or try to engage Kim in conversation.
You may not ask Kim for help of any kind with your comedy career, or that of a loved one, however talented you believe yourself or that loved one to be.
Kim will not listen to jokes or anecdotes and tell you if they’re funny or not.
Kim will not do an impromptu routine or tell you a joke if you are not a paying audience member at one of her gigs.
Kim will not discuss other comedians, or the nature of comedy and what makes funny things funny. She will not explain to you why she is funny, or how.
If something happens between you and Kim when you meet that she later wants to use in her act, she reserves the right to do so. In having any dealings with her, you risk being used as material.
Get Kim’s name wrong – either her first name or her surname – and she will walk away, even if it happens halfway through a live TV interview. Her first name is Kim, which is not short for Kimberley, and her last name is Tribbeck, with the emphasis on the second syllable.
If you want to put Kim’s name on the cover of another comedian’s book, attached to some praise from Kim for that comedian, Kim’s name and quote must be positioned on the front cover of the book. The moment you decide to move her quote to the back cover because Ricky Gervais has also given you a puff, consider Kim’s consent for you to use her name and words withdrawn. Similarly, if you’ve booked Kim to appear at a comedy festival and then subsequently print a brochure in which other comedians’ names appear on the front cover and Kim’s does not, consider Kim’s event cancelled.