“I’m a lawyer,” he said, which didn’t really answer my question.

1. DESCRIPTION OF SERVICES. Lessor will exert due effort to provide to Lessee the following services (collectively, the “Services”):

a. Lunch together each weekday as individual schedules permit.

b. At least one evening activity per week through duration of contract.

c. Best effort to demonstrate a caring relationship.

I couldn’t help but think how every relationship would benefit from such an agreement.

2. PAYMENT. In consideration of Lessor’s services, Lessee agrees to pay for all dinners, joint activities, admission fees, travel expenses, etc., for the duration of Contract.

“Travel expenses?” I asked.

“Gas money,” he said. “Mostly.”

If Lessee fails to pay for the Services when due, Lessor has the option to treat such failure to pay as a material breach of this Contract, and may cancel this Contract but not seek legal redress.

3. TERM. This agreement will terminate automatically on December 24, 2012, at 11:59:59 P.M.

4. LANGUAGE. Lessor and Lessee shall, for the duration of this agreement, refer to each other as boyfriend or girlfriend or by any term of endearment including, but not limited to, sweetie, sweetheart, love, dear, babe, beautiful, cupcake, and any term found acceptable by both parties.

I looked at him incredulously. “Really? Cupcake?”

“I wasn’t planning on using cupcake.”

“Then why did you put it in the contract?”

“In case you were. It’s just an example,” he said. “Granted a poor one. But I don’t know your preferences.”

“I would rather not be called after any food or animal. Actually, avoid any noun.”

“Consider all nouns, especially cupcake, stricken from my vocabulary. Does that include honey?”

I thought about it. “I guess honey is okay. It’s gone mainstream.”

“Honey, okay,” he said to himself.

I went back to the contract.

5. PLATONIC NATURE OF ARRANGEMENT. This agreement does not constitute, imply, or encourage, directly or indirectly, a physical relationship, other than what would be considered expected and appropriate public physical contact.

“What does that mean? Expected physical contact.”

“Nothing exciting,” he said. “Hand-holding in public, that sort of thing.” When I didn’t respond he added, “Things real couples do. For instance, we might hold hands at a company party, at least when walking into the party, but we wouldn’t be holding hands when we are alone, since that obviously wouldn’t be necessary to convince others.”

“I get it,” I said.

6. CONFIDENTIALITY. Lessor and her agents will not at any time or in any manner, either directly or indirectly, divulge, disclose, or communicate in any manner, any information that is proprietary to this agreement and agrees to protect such information and treat it as strictly confidential. This provision will continue to be effective until the termination of this Contract.

7. BREACH OF CONTRACT. If any of the above stipulations are not met, Contract will be considered null and void. No recourse is available.

ADDENDUMS

1. No deep, probing personal questions.

2. No drama.

“Talk to me about these addendums.”